Where Do Smeets Come From?
by andalitebandit-6
Summary: What happens when the lock on Zim's emotions comes undone? Warning: ZADR and Mpreg
1. Get Off My Head!

Disclaimer: IZ belongs to Nickelodeon.

**Where do Smeets Come From?**

Chapter One: GET OFF MY HEEEEAAAAD!

"Status report, my Tallest!"

"Yeah, thanks."

Almighty Tallest Red took the sheet of paper from the flat-headed worker drone. He skimmed over it while munching on his 'Chocolate Covered Cheese Chunks', and frowned.

"Ahhhh!" said Purple, coming into the control room, "Nothing like an all-you-can-eat buffet at Fat Boy's Doughnut Shack! Man, am I stuffed!" He plopped himself happily into his floaty chair.

"Hey, Pur" said Red, "You know anything about a...'severe decrease in the worker population'?"

"What?...Um, no, can't say that I have. Why? What's up?"

"Well according to this," he showed Purple the document, "Says here that we're losing hundreds of thousands of workers a month, due to unsafe working conditions, and that we should either pay for a whole bunch of repairs and medical stuff... or supply more irkens."

"Hmmm," said Purple, looking over the document, "And exactly how much do they expect this to...FORTY THOUSAND MILLION MONIES? That's crazy! We don't have that kind of cash!"

"Yeah," said Red, "Especially not after you had that Olympic sized tub installed in the bathroom."

"Well, how else were we gonna fit all of our bath toys in there, huh? And you're one to talk! Your little submarine takes up half the tub!"

"Look, shut up, okay?" Red was getting irritated, "Obviously we agree that we can't afford to fix everything, so we'll just send them more workers. Simple as that!"

"And where are we gonna get those, Mr. Smarty, huh? You know we tasked out the last guy weeks ago to Food Courtia as a fry cook!"

"Well, then we could just...um, we could just..." Red narrowed his eyes in thought, "...Don't we have anymore smeets in the hatchery?"

"We haven't had any for a while now. You weren't planning on using smeet slave labor again were you?" Purple said disgustedly, "They couldn't even patch together a decent robe! Remember that last one I had made? It was 3 different colors and 2 sizes too small!"

Then he suddenly thought of something, "Say, Red"

"Yes, Pur?"

"Where do smeets come from anyway?"

Red flicked his wrists dismissively at the question, "Well, _duh_! They come from the hatchery, stupid!"

Purple crossed his arms, "I know that! And I'm not stupid! What I meant was, where to the eggs that get hatched there come from? If we knew who made them and where he kept them, we could blast our way in and steal all his eggs!"

Red tapped his chin with a claw, pondering this. "You know, that's really not bad idea."

Purple grinned, "Told ya!"

"You're still stupid, though."

Before Purple could come up with an indignant retort, Red scanned the room looking for someone tall (and thus highly intelligent) to interrogate. His gaze landed on a medium sized irken working a complicated looking panel of blinking lights and colorful buttons off in a corner of the control room.

"Hey, um...YOU!"

Every irken in the room spun around to face their leaders, being already accustomed to being called upon this way.

Red scowled at them, "Not _YOU_-you... YOU! The guy with the... blinky stuff on his... thingamajig!"

The-guy-with-the-thingy-on-his-head, and the-guy-holding-the-whatchamacallit turned around and went back to work.

Kile the switchboard operator stepped forward. "My Tallest?"

"Um, yeah," began his ruby-eyed ruler, "Do you happen to know where smeets come from? Well, we already know that, but the eggs I mean."

Kile stammered, "M-my Tallest?"

"It's sort of important." Red continued, "So do you know?"

Kile blushed, "W-w-well, you see my lords," he began, "When 2 irkens care for each other, they... exchange dna in a very special way."

He swallowed the knot in his throat and pressed on, "Then one of them starts getting fat and lays an egg or two. They get to keep the first one if they want it, but all others are required to be dropped in the egg donor's box by their local Invader Academy. They then get sent here and put into the hatchery where they're stored in frowny face incubator tubes with a special liquid that dissolves the shell. When the frowny face smiles it means they're done and they're deposited on the floor where cold, unfeeling robot arms attach a PAK to the smeet and zap it to life."

His leaders nodded, as if they'd been listening, but they had really stopped doing that after the first sentence.

"Okay," said Red, "And how do we get everybody to...'care' for each other?"

Kile relaxed, glad to move on to another subject, "Every irken PAK is equipped with inhibition filters." he said, "They're remotely controlled from a master switchboard here on the Massive. Their 'carnal urges' are currently deactivated, to help keep them focused on more important irken tasks. If you were to _re_activate them...well, the rest should take care of itself."

"I see," nodded Purple, "And where is this switchboard?"

"Right here." Kile walked over to the far wall, and pressed a huge red button labeled 'Master Switchboard Button'.

A section of the wall swung around to reveal 4 little switches, labeled 'short x short', 'tall x tall", 'tall x short' and 'free for all (DANGER! Press this button only in case of emergency)'

"COOL!" said Purple, dashing over to it. "I didn't know we had this! What else we got hiding around here?" he began running around the perimeter of the control room pushing random buttons, pulling switches and causing distant sounding explosions and subsequent screams of pain and terror.

Red cocked an eye at Kile. "Hey...Is there some way to keep this...'reactivation' process from affecting _us_? Making smeets sounds dangerous. Could we make it so this only affects the short people?"

Seeing as how he was pretty tall himself, (up to his leader's shoulders) Kile wasn't fazed by this.

He smiled, "Consider it done, my Tallest!"

And pushed the button.  
- - - -

_Meanwhile..._

Zim sighed. He knew he was being followed. During the long time he'd spent on Earth, he'd developed a _Dib-sense_ and knew instinctively when the self proclaimed paranormal investigator was close by. He turned around angrily.

"Come on out, cowardly worm baby!" he snarled, "I know you're there!"

"I'm no coward, _Zim_!" said a telephone poll across the street.

"Do you think you're hiding? I can smell your stupidness a mile away, Dib-stink!"

A big head poked out from behind the talking pole and glared at him.

"You can't smell stupidity, Zim! That's just...stupid!"

Zim was about to retort with something amazingly witty, when suddenly he began to spasm.

A wave of something was washing over him, drowning out all his other senses. He jerked and twitched and then finally fell, his PAK smoking, to ground.

Dib cocked an eyebrow. "Zim?" He stepped out from behind his hiding place and cautiously approached his body. "Zim? Are you okay? Is this some sort of trick? (are you dead?)" He poked the alien.

Zim's arm shot out and grabbed the worm-baby's wrist in a powerful grip. Dib gasped and tried to pull away, but Zim was too strong. The irken groaned, "No, Dib, I am **not** okay."

He pushed his top half up shakily with his free hand, "I am dizzy and nauseous. My squeedly spooch is going a mile a minute and I think my head might explode!" His limbs began trembling, "I think I might _die_ unless..."

Dib grit his teeth as he briefly considered chewing off his arm, but thought better of it, "Unless _what_, Zim?"

Zim looked up at him, and Dib found himself looking into the biggest, brightest, most beautiful eyes he'd ever seen.

The fact that they were attached to Zim's head was highly disturbing.

He tried to back away fearfully.

"Unless you take me in your arms, right now and kiss me you large headed fool!"

Dib squeaked and yanked his wrist free before the alien could pull him into a sudden amorous embrace. Frightened and confused, he turned around and ran like hell.

"Do not run from Zim, Dibling!" the little invader yelled from behind him, "We can make beautiful smeebys together!"

Dib wasn't sure what a smeeby was, but he wasn't going to stick around to find out. Screaming in terror, and sped up his pace.

Reaching the front steps of his house, he dived for the doorknob and yanked with all his might.

It was locked.

He began pounding frantically on the door.

"GAZ! DAD! SOMEBODY, PLEASE LET ME IN! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND SACRED IN THIS WORLD, PLEASE!"

He turned his head to see Zim round the corner.

He increased his pounding furiously.

"LET ME IN, LET ME IN, LET ME IN, LET ME-GET OFF MY HEEEEAAAAD!"

Zim ignored him, happily planting little kisses all around his adorable cranium.

Dib continued to scream and panic for a good five minutes, before the front door to his house opened and a very irritated looking Gaz stepped outside.

"DAMN IT, DIB, WOULD YOU SHUT UP? I'M ON THE LAST LEVEL OF VAMPIRE PIGGY HUNTER ADVANCED TACTICS, AND IF I LOSE ANY MORE POINTS BECAUSE OF YOU, I'LL MAKE YOU WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!"

Seeing as how her hysterical brother was not paying attention to her, she stomped around the side of the house and returned with a very large water hose.

Dib's distress siren was cut short by a blast to his mouth, filling it up with rubbery tasting hose water. He landed flat on his back , sputtering, coughing, drenched and, he noticed gratefully, Zim free.

Now it was the alien's turn to scream. The immediate physical pain was enough to jar him from his lustful intentions, and sent himrunning blindly towards the general direction of his house, waving his arms wildly in his distress and agony.

Gaz tossed the hose aside and went to help her brother up. He smiled broadly at her.  
"Gaz! You've saved my life! Thank you so much!"

His scary sister growled, "Don't be so sure about that." she hissed, turning back to her Game Slave.

Dib watched her go, sighed, and followed suit into the house. He went straight to his room and began making preparations for school tomorrow. He didn't know what was up with Zim, but until the crazy alien invader regained his sanity, he had to take the proper precautions to protect himself.

But _nothing_ could have prepared him for what was to come...

_That's it! No more! The writers block monkey has cut off the flow of ideas to my brain, (That HORRIBLE monkey ) and I don't know when he'll go away. What I'm saying is, don't expect any updates anytime soon. Hope you enjoyed it so far though. :D_


	2. We're all gonna die

Chapter 2: We're all gonna die. 

Almighty Tallest Purple entered the main control room. He was very disturbed about something, and decided he'd ask that switchboard operator he and Red had talked to the other day about it. Yes, that guy seemed to know a lot.

Said operator was sleeping soundly in his seat, a bit of drool making its way down his chin.

"A-HEM!"

Kile startled himself off his seat and went crashing to the floor before his leader's floating feet (Hey! That rhymes! ).

He quickly straightened himself and saluted, "My Tallest!"

"Um, yeah, listen, the TV in my room doesn't work. Neither does the microwave. Or the popcorn machine... or anything else around here. Can you fix 'em?"

Kile brought his saluting hand to the back of his neck and began rubbing it nervously, "Oh. About that... you see, my Tallest, all the short workers at the power plant have...left."

Purple blinked, "Left?"

"They went home, Sir. All of them. From every factory, restaurant, and store. They refuse to go back to work." (Kile had spent the night spying on them)

Purple was about to say something else when Almighty Tallest Red angrily stomped into the room, wearing nothing but a towel around his regal self.

"There's no cleansing gel in the showers! WHY ISN'T THERE ANY CLEANSING GEL IN THE SHOWERS?"

"The workers at the plumbing station went home too, Sir." said Kile.

"Went home! Why! What could they possibly be doing at home that's more important than me getting this sauce out of my antennae!" (and other places)

"I believe they are...um, fixing the population problem, my lord."

"Oh yeah, the whole 'caring' thing...Well they better hurry up! How long before they finish doing that anyway?"

"Um...it's hard to say, since every Irken's body is different, but the process usually takes a little over a week."

"A _WEEK?_ You're saying that I'm gonna have to walk around like this for a WEEK?"

Purple glanced at his co-lord, "You could just be a little neater when you eat you know. You're such a slob! At least you can't scarf down those nasty sketios anymore since there's no electricity for the can opener."

"NO MORE SKETIOS? MOTHER OF IRK! WHAT HAVE WE DONE? THAT'S IT! WE'RE GONNA KNOCK EVERYBODY'S BLOCK BACK ON! RIGHT NOW!" Red stormed over to the Master Switchboard button and punched it.

Nothing happened.

He punched it again.

Again, nothing.

Frustration took over and Red began bashing the thing until he could bash no more and turned angrily to Kile. "What's wrong with this thing?"

Kile shuffled his feet, "There's no electricity to work that either, my Lord."

"How can you say there's no electricity when the lights are still on in-"

*Zzt-zzt-ztuuuu*

...was the sound the lights made as they flickered like moths in a bug zapper before dying a pathetic, miserable death.

"That was the back up light generator, my lord. It seems to be empty now."

3 pairs of glowing eyes now provided the only source of illumination.

"...I'm going to my room, now" said Purple.

Red tried to follow, but hit head on the top of the door and fell to the ground. "We're all gonna die," he whimpered.

Kile nods his head sadly, "...Yes."

* * *

Dib came down the stairs the next morning, checking his equipment along the way.

"Water guns, check; alien sleep cuffs, check; mace can, check..."

He made his way into the kitchen and grabbed a piece of cold pre-made toast off the table. He began munching it absently as he went through a mental list of all the things the crazy alien might try to do to him, and how he could retaliate, all the while making his way to the front door.

Just as Dib opened the door, he was met by a knock on his face, as Zim's fist missed its original target.

"Ow!" Dib rubbed his nose, "What was that all about?"

Zim looked surprised as well, and hid his offending appendage behind his back, smiling apologetically at the boy.

"Eh, sorry Dib-thing. I was gonna knock on the door..."

"And why were you gonna do that? What do you want, Zim?"

Zim shrugged innocently, "I just wanted to see if I could walk to school with you."

Dib eyed the green boy warily, "I don't think so, _Zim_. Besides, I walk with Gaz everyday."

"I'm **not** going to school today!"

Dib and Zim looked over to where the purple haired owner of the voice was standing.

Gaz was semi-crouched on the stairs, holding rail with one hand, her stomach with the other.

"I think that leftover pizza I ate yesterday was radioactive."

"Gah-az!" Dib whined, "Didn't you learn last time what happens when you eat dad's experiments?"

"Shut up, Dib! I'm going to throw-up now. You come up here and disturb me and I will tie you upside down next to an angry bee-hive until your huge ugly head explodes!"

"My head's not-!"

Gaz turned around, stumbled into the bathroom and slammed the door behind her.

Dib and Zim stared at the empty spot where Gaz had been, the only evidence of her presence now being the unmistakable sound of someone reviewing the contents of their lunch.

Zim was the first to look away, and back at Dib.

"Err, sorry if I scared you the other day. I don't know what came over me, but I'm better now (except my pants are strangely tighter, but nevermind that)...SO!" He smiled expectantly, "You coming?"

Dib's gaze lingered on the bathroom door a little longer before he sighed and looked back at Zim.

"Yeah, I'm coming. But I think it's only fair to warn you... I'm armed! So don't try anything funny, space boy!"

"Great!" Zim grabbed his arm and tugged him along, "Then let's go!"

Dib yanked it back, "I can find my own way to school, thank you very much!"

The boys walked to school in silence, except for Zim who was whistling some happy tune or other (which kind of screwed up the silence). Dib ignored him.

When they finally got there, Zim ran up the steps ahead of him and opened one of the double doors, gentlemanly holding it open for the Dib-worm.

Dib stopped in his tracks and raised a suspicious eyebrow at him. Was there some sinister reason why Zim wanted him to go inside first? Was it a trap? Was there a bucket of space goo balanced above the entrance that would fall on him the second he stepped beneath it? Would the goo burn, freeze, or try to eat him? Maybe he'd installed lasers? Or maybe he'd-

In the midst of his paranoid delusions, Dib was elbowed aside by a female student who didn't much care for courtesy.

"MOVE, weirdo!"

Dib was about to reflexively protest that his head was **not **big, when the girl screeched as she was shoved backwards down the steps and landed in an undignified heap by his feet. Dib looked up to see Zim shaking an iron fist at her.

"OPEN YOUR OWN DOOR! AND DON'T LAND SO CLOSE TO THE DIB! OR ZIM WILL MAKE YOU RUE THE DAY! RUE, I SAY!"

Satisfied the offending Earth child had learned her lesson, the alien then he looked back at Dib, suddenly all smiles. He gave him an encouraging nod once more towards the entrance.

Dib still wasn't sure it wasn't a trap, but there had built up a small crowd of other students just behind him. None of them looked eager to challenge the new self-appointed door-keeper.

Reminding himself that his duty was to protect mankind, Dib took a deep breath, stepped over the fallen classmate, and in through the doorway.

Nothing happened. Dib looked up at the nonexistent bucket of goo and sideways at the death lasers that weren't there. He almost felt... disappointed.

Zim, on the other hand, looked quite pleased with himself.

They walked together to their lockers, and just as Dib got his books out, they vanished out of his hands.

"What the?"

"Let me carry your books for you, Dib-worm!" said Zim, holding the boy's books over his head, his own already stored in his handy PAK.

"What? No way! Give 'em back, Zim!" Dib made a series of grabbing swipes and misses, stumbling after the green book theif, "I don't want you...doing stuff to them...or something... give 'em back!"

Zim chuckled, "You're so paranoid, Dib...I just LOVE that about you!"

Dib straightened himself up, his hands reaching inside his coat, "Drop the books right now, Zim, or you'll regret it!"

Zim chuckled again, "Silly, Dib-thing! Zim is not afraid of any puny Earth weap - AAIIIYYYEEE! DON'T SHOOT!"

The books fell out of his hands instantly, as the poor little invader jumped to safety behind his locker.

Dib scooped his books up with one hand, keeping his water pistol trained on Zim's hiding place with the other, and slowly backed away into their class.

Once safely inside, he ran to his seat and sat down. He watched the entrance to see Zim's head poke in cautiously, before the green boy found his own seat as well.

The class was highly unusual. The children all sat quiet in their seats. Miss Bitter was giving a very informative lesson about morbid mating habits of angler fish (comparing the life-sucking tendencies to human relationships). By the time everyone got back their homework with big red "F"s and predictions of dismal future job options, not a single mutant hamster had to be tranquilized, no giant killer robots had ripped off the school's ceiling, and zero children had been rushed to the hospital for rabies shots.

All in all, Dib found them to be the most nerve-wracking 5 minutes of his life.

Every time he decided to steal a glance at the irken invader, Zim didn't look back at him. He just sulked, looking downcast and broken hearted at his desk, tracing small little circles on it with his claw. If Dib didn't know any better it almost looked like the little alien was about to cry...

Dib felt a little tug in his heart, (and went into cariac arrest for a few minutes) and wondered why he should be feeling guilty. This was probably just some dumb trick to get for him to let his guard down, ( or maybe it was all just signs of early heart problems due to all the junk food he and Gaz ate) though Zim really did look downright pitiful.

The bell rang. Dib looked up to see that the entire class hour had passed. When did that happen?

"Remember children," Miss Bitters screeched as they all rushed out towards the exit, "Everything I just talked about WILL be on tomorrow's quiz! If you fail, you AND your parents will be sent to repeat the grade in the underground classroom! No make-ups!"

As she cackled and dissolved into an eerie black mist, Dib stood and made his way over to his rival. Zim, oblivious to all else, was still tracing holes into his desk and didn't notice he was there until the human boy cleared his throat. Zim stopped tracing, but didn't look at him, waiting for Dib to speak.

Dib massaged his temples searching for words, "Look, Zim, I'm sorry for threatening your life with my pistol earlier today, okay? So you can stop looking like a kicked puppy and making me feel all guilty now."

Zim perked up immediately. He gazed at the boy with large, wondrous eyes (that pleaded TAKE ME NOW!), "You mean it?"

"Yeah, yeah. So you feel better now?"

Zim smirked triumphantly, "Ha! I knew you weren't _really_ going to hurt me, Dib-worm! And I suppose I can find it in my amazingly generous squeedly-spooch to forgive you! Now, let us spittle swap and make up!" he closed his eyes and leaned forward, puckering up expectantly.

Dib, however, had already left, and was already halfway to the mess hall. Zim, in his eagerness, had leaned too far forward and tipped his desk over. He looked out the door from his new position on the floor just in time to see the tip of Dib's coat tail vanish around the corner, and scrambled to catch up. Once he did, the boy had already gotten himself a healthy serving of cafeteria food, which is to say none at all, and was sitting at his table with an empty tray in front of him.

Zim promptly took the tray's place.

Dib looked up at him, "Zim! Get off the table! What are yommmph!" For Dib could say no more now his mouth was smothered in a pair of green semi-lipless lips.

"There!" said Zim when he had finally ended the kiss, "Now you're properly forgiven!"

Dib's first reaction was to slap his hand over his mouth and spin his head around to see if anyone had seen them. When it became obvious that still no one thought the pair interesting enough to pay attention to, he roughly grabbed the alien by his wrist and growled, "Come with me, Zim, _now!_."

Dib led them to the boy's bathroom where (not realizing the total slashiness of that area), after checking to make sure no one was in it, jammed the door stopper under it. He whirled around to face the other boy. "Alright, Zim, ever since yesterday you've been acting really, really weird and I don't know what it is you're trying to do, but it's gonna stop! You listening to me?"

Dib still had a grip on Zim's wrist, and the invader lifted the boy's hand up to his head, almost purring as he rubbed his cheek into it. "I don't know what you're talking about, worm-baby. Zim is perfectly normal!"

Dib yanked his hand away and growled, "The heck is wrong with you? Have you taken a look at yourself? This is WEIRD, Zim. Even for you. You're acting like... like..."

Dib shivered as the possibility manifested itself in his mind.

Zim crossed his arms and leaned towards the boy inquisitively. "Like _what_, Earth-Dib?"

Dib shook his head. It was crazy. It was impossible. "... like you're in love with me or something."

Zim didn't deny it outright as Dib expected. Instead, he seemed to be considering it. "Hmm... maybe. It would certainly explain a few things."

Dib gaped. What fresh hell was this? It _had _to be a trick. He couldn't possibly be serious, right?

No way.

"Whatever, Zim, I'm not falling for it. So cut it out and just start acting like your abnormal self again, okay?"

Without waiting for an answer, Dib un-jammed the stopper and stepped out, leaving a musing irken behind him.

Zim tapped his chin with a claw as he pondered. He knew from his training days at the academy that irkens don't fall in love. But he also knew, through accidental means, that there such feelings were controlled by a filter in every irken's pak, and that there was a master control panel inside the massive that could switch these feelings on in the case of an emergency. Obviously, such an emergency was in effect. Was the massive in need of new soldiers? And if so... then wasn't it Zim's duty to provide them if he could?

The invader smiled. Of course it was! It made perfect sense that his superiors would want only the best, and they could not hope to do better than the amazing invader Zim! And he had a plan. One so obvious, he didn't know why he hadn't done it in the first place. (and the slash fangirls quivered in delight!)

Zim started whistling happily as he exited the filthy human lavatory. Dib was gonna get a special surprise tonight...

End Chapter 2! I'd like to thank my proof readers, Celestial Star and Pinky Pseudonym, for hanging on to this story (since evil ff . net deleted the one I had in document manager during the upgrade), and of course for proof reading it! Thanks to Rinny Z for the muffin, ShikamaruNoMiko for distracting the monkey, hope nobody's exploded, and everyone else who reviewed and made me want to continue this story! Now, for those of you who insist that irkens don't 'do stuff' let me ask you this...If modern technology made it so that humans didn't have to 'do stuff' to make babies anymore, who says some won't prefer traditional methods? And just because Irkens don't have the same 'stuff' that we do, who says they 'do stuff' the same as humans? Maybe they're like chickens and the male steps on the female's neck or something? Anyways, just a thought.


	3. What's a Spit Mate?

Chapter 3: What's A Spit Mate?

Red had changed into his armor again, and was moodily stalking through the dark halls, cursing every now and then when he would bump into or trip over something.

He was nursing a bruise on his elbow when a loud wailing sound assaulted his antennae. He turned the corner to find, as he expected, Purple. The poor Tallest was kneeling in front of the snack storage room, his head tilted back and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Pur?" said Red.

"No...No snacks!" cried his violet eyed companion, when he had regained enough control over himself to speak, "Behind these doors...all our snacks are behind these slagging doors! Enough to last us weeks and weeks and..." his voice broke, "B-b-blasted ELECTRIC things won't OPEN!"

He wailed again, his cries echoing throughout.

Red started to fidget, "Oh...really?"

Suddenly Purple stopped. He turned suspicious, shiny, wet eyes towards the other Tallest.

"Wait a minute..." Purple stood up, staring at him, "Why aren't you hungry and panicking too?"

Red backed away.

"N-N-Now, Pur, no need to jump to conclusions here!" he stuttered nervously, "It's not like I have a secret stash of snacks hidden under my bed or anything like that..."

Purple blinked once, "You have a secret stash of snacks under your bed?"

"WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT?" After a moment Red blinked too, and, realizing what he'd just said, tried to cover it up, "...Err, I mean, no I don't."

Purple's voice was low and thick with goo... doomy goo! "Red..."

Red squeaked and made a run for it, dashing blindly through the path to his chambers, his only thoughts were of protecting his delicious treats. He had just made it to the door (luckily enough they had left their doors open before the power went out) before Purple tackled him down. The two Tallest rolled on the floor and fought, yelling and cursing and pulling each others antennae much like two whiny girls. (and then people reading this tried not to explode in their pants before an actual sex scene)Their struggling eventually landed them at the foot of Red's bed; their claws got caught in the sheets and dragged them down.

The sheets fell over their bodies, but not their eyes. They stopped fighting each other and gaped at the treasure trove of goodies under the ruby eyed Tallest's bed.

...Or at least where they used to be.

"MY SNACKS!" each of the Irken leaders cried.

Kile shot out from under the bed, arms laden down with chips, doughnuts and candies.

This was a mistake, however, as the junk food slowed him down considerably, and soon his pursuers were upon him.

* * *

Dib slammed the door arriving home from school and stomped up the stairs to his room.

"Stupid alien!" he proclaimed to no-one in particular.

Although Zim hadn't bothered him at all after the little scene in the bathroom, he'd remained very cheerful throughout the rest of the day, and that bothered Dib more than anything else.

He was so upset he didn't even hear his sister's threats that if he didn't quit making so much noise she would rip out his spleen and flay him to death with it.

Dib flopped himself down on his bed and glared at the ceiling. This had to be Zim's dumbest plan yet. What did he hope to accomplish by pretending to be in love with his rival?

A quote he'd read somewhere instantly popped into his brain, "_Love conquers all_."

Did Zim happen to come across that quote somewhere? Did he think that if he pretended to love Dib, the boy would become his slave? He wouldn't of course, but then, why did he only focus on Dib? Why didn't he pretend to love everybody else too? Unless he was really serious about the whole thing...

Dib shook his head. Zim in love was doubtful enough. He never seemed to care about anyone besides himself and his mission. But Zim in love with _him_ was just plain impossible.

Then again, he wouldn't be much of a paranormal investigator if he automatically disbelieved the unbelievable now would he? _Okay, let's say, hypothetically, that for whatever reason, Zim really is in love with me,_ he shuddered_, how do I deal with that?_

Dib thought about his feelings towards the little invader. The first one to pop up was hate, obviously enough. He analyzed that feeling. He hated the alien because he threatened his home and its inhabitants. He was rude, arrogant, selfish, ego-maniacal...but what about besides all that? Nobody could be all bad or all good, they were a mix.

He thought about Zim's good traits. The Irken was fiercely loyal to his people, just as Dib was to his own. While he wasn't exactly good at invading, he always put forth his full effort into his work. Then there were those few times he'd actually helped save the planet, for his own gain, yes, but still.

Dib thought back to the first time they'd ever met. The first thing he'd noticed about Zim was his green skin, and the fact that he was ear and nose-less. He remembered when he'd first seen him without his silly disguise on. The twitchy little antennae on his head and his big blood red ruby eyes. Zim wasn't bad looking, he supposed, maybe even sort of...cute.

For an alien anyway. (Almost girl cute, but not quite)

But that was just it. Zim was an _alien, _in every sense of the word. Dib had taken for granted that every sentient being would have the same emotions and reactions as humans. Heck, Zim didn't even have the same _organs_! Who knew what triggered something like 'love' for Zim's race?

Dib was so deep in thought, he didn't notice the sound of his window being opened, or the shadow that fell across his bed behind him.

But he _did _feel it when a strong pair of gloved hands grabbed him roughly by the shoulders and pinned him down on his bed.

That had snapped him back to reality.

"Zim?"

Zim had straddled his hips along with his arms, rendering the boy immobile. The alien smiled at him and, before he could protest, dived down to claim his lips.

Dib struggled to escape the alien's hold on him, but Zim was stronger than he looked.

He felt Zim's snake-like tongue swishing around inside his mouth. He expected the sensation to feel disgusting, but... it actually kind of tickled. Zim tasted sweet. Like he'd just eaten a handful of strawberry candies. HAD he just eaten a handful of strawberry candies? Or did irken mouths just always taste that way? He wouldn't be surprised, considering the amount of sugar-foods his race consumed.

The alien's leg brushing against his crotch brought Dib's wandering thoughts back to the present situation. What should he do? He didn't have the strength to fight back. And, if he was honest about it, what was happening to him wasn't horrible... in fact, if his lower region was any indication, he was actually starting to like it. But it was WRONG! So very wrong! And in so many ways!

...Oh

Oh no...

When had he started reciprocating? His hands and mouth had started moving without his knowledge or consent! What if Zim kept pushing further? What if he couldn't stop himself? What if they ended up doing...?

Then suddenly, it was over. Zim pulled away and looked tenderly down at Dib, before climbing off the bed and standing at the foot of it, looking at the boy expectantly.

Dib didn't move. He didn't trust his treacherous body not to jump the stupid alien and continue their previous activity. What if Zim was mind-controlling him? What if he was using some kind of alien voo-doo doll that explained why he was acting so strangely? Enraged, he shot up and whipped his head towards the smiling invader.

"WHAT THE HELL ZIM? WHAT DID YOU JUST DO TO ME? YOU-"

"STOP YELLING, DIB!" came Gaz's voice from the next room, "I SWEAR IF YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND DON'T KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE I'LL SEE TO IT THAT YOU'LL NEVER HAVE ANY CHILDREN!"

With those calming words of wisdom, Dib managed to bite his tongue and regain control of himself. He turned to his bedroom window and started climbing out down the tree that grew near it. He didn't check to see if Zim was following him. He knew he would.

Once they were both safely outside of Gaz's hearing range, Dib crossed his arms and glared. "Well?"

Zim beamed, looking for all the world like he'd just achieved a victory for something. "Be honoured my little stink-beast! For I, the great_ ZI-IIM!_… have just made you my spit mate!"

"Spit mate? That doesn't tell me anything! What the hell's a spit mate? And why did you..."

Dib rubbed the arm of his sleeve across his mouth vigorously.

Zim's eyes narrowed. Was his translator not working properly? He ran a quick functions check... yup, all systems normal.

"Computer!" Zim barked. Instantly his pak produced out little handheld device that gave him a remote link to his house's computer. "Explain to the Dib-worm the irken custom of spit-mating!"

"Okay," a whiny voice from the device replied. "Some human cultures have a roughly similar term called 'blood brother': One of two individuals who vow mutual fidelity and trust by a ceremony involving the mingling of each other's blood. This is the Irken equivalent."

Dib could still taste the lingering sweetness of Zim's alien saliva. He wondered how much he'd swallowed during... the impromptu make-out session.

"The key word is _mutual_, Zim!" he growled.

"Yes, well, like I said, it is the equivalent, but not the same thing," Zim's computer replied. "Irkens are very self-sufficient. It is only required when assuring the healthy creation and fostering of a smeet, since this requires the gestating partner's full cooperation."

"Gestating?" Dib tried to recall what the word meant.

He suddenly turned pale.

"There's... something GROWING inside me? An ALIEN growing inside me?"

Zim grinned wider. "AMAZING, yes, I know! Of all the earth smellies I've known, you're the only one I've met that even remotely comes close to being a suitable spit-mate for Zim! The entire time you're nurturing the future commanding general of the irken army, I'll be right here to protect you. You have absolutely nothing to worry about."

Dib's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. "Nothing to worry about...?"

Zim startled when the boy suddenly slammed his foot against the ground so hard he felt it shake.

"NOTHING to worry about? I'm a GUY, _Zim!_ I don't know how your species do it, but human guys don't have a uterus! I can't give birth! This thing is probably gonna grow inside one of my vital organs and eat its way out my rib cage! I'm not gonna die! Especially not to give birth to some evil alien monster that's going to take over my planet! NO! NEVER! I REFUSE!"

Zim thought the poor overwhelmed dirt-child was overreacting, just a bit. "Don't be silly," he tried to reassure the hysterical human. "The egg only grows in sufficiently cavernous spaces. There's no danger of its growth threatening any of your organs."

Dib did not look at all reassured by this. He was still glaring daggers into the alien's skull.

"Um... if in the EXTREMELY unlikely event that Zim is wrong, and Zim never is," He continued. "And the egg eats one of your organs, I have plenty stored away in an irken freezer in my lab!"

This seemed to do the trick. Dib's features changed. The murderous gleam had left his eyes. Zim grinned at his own amazing negotiation skills. "We'll just get you a new one."

Dib didn't say a word. Instead, he spun on his heels and went back inside, although he still had enough sense of mind not to slam the door behind him and invoke his indigested sibling's wrath.

Zim nodded approvingly. His unfaltering logic had won over the human worm-baby, and his mate was off to get some much needed rest! Everything was going according to plan. His Tallest would be so pleased! In fact, it was around the time he would be contacting them anyway. He ran all the way home, eager to share his great news!

Gir greeted him without his dog suit on, but Zim was too excited to chastise him for it. Dropping down the elevator chute, Zim raced to the giant computer screen and aligned his claws on the keyboard. Without having to look, he already knew his control system by heart, Zim went ahead and sent out his transmission, waiting eagerly for the familiar faces to appear on the screen.

"Transmission Failure." his system said, "No Signal Detected."

No signal? But that could only mean that their system was down. How could that be? The Massive had the most advanced technological minds in the universe! It had to be a mistake!

"TRY AGAIN!" he demanded.

"I have already done a self scan." The computer informed him, "There is nothing wrong with my equipment, therefore the problem is on the receiving end."

Zim frowned. This was very inconvenient. Why did this have to happen now? Why did bad things have to happen to Zim?

A clunking sound from behind got his attention. He turned to see his insane SIR unit falling out of the elevator. He landed in a summersault and rolled to his master's feet.

GIR grinned up at him, "Welcome home, Master! Me and Piggy missed you lots! Were you playing with Big Head Boy again? I like him! Whyyyyyyyyy is his head so big?" It sang happily.

"GIR!" Zim decided if he couldn't share the news with his superiors, then he could at least tell his lackey. "The Dib-worm is my new spit-mate!"

"WHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" GIR clapped excitedly. "When does I get to play with the babeh? So cute with its BIG head when it falls over and I'll BOOM we can make pancakes together!"

"NO, GIR!" Zim commanded firmly. "NO PANCAKES. Your pancakes make me sick! Don't feed the Dib any either! There will NEVER be pancakes in this base again!"

"PANCAAAKES!" GIR wailed as he rolled around the floor in distress.

"I SAID NO!" Zim barked. "Go... go play with... your lint collection or something!"

GIR froze in mid-roll and sat up alertly. "I found some in my belly button yesterday!"

Zim narrowed an eye at this. "You don't HAVE one of those, GIR."

"Well, it wasn't really mine... hee-hee-hee!"

Zim gagged a little as he turned to march back to the elevator. There were much preparations to be made to accommodate his new mate. Oh, just thinking about him made Zim want to run back to his house and give the human a foot massage!

That was perfectly normal, right?

End Chapter 3!

No worries peeps! I don't plan on giving up on this or any of my ficcies! I just work rather slowly, so bear with meh! The usual thankies go out to my proof readers, PP and CS!

I fully intend to use the free for all button, so no subliminal messages are needed. It'll be near the end though, after the week long process is over and done with.

OMG! How cool is this? One of my favorite ZADR authors is reviewing ME telling me how much they like my story! Even faving it! (waves madly to Moonlit Waters) I love all your fics! I plan to print them all out and store them in individual plastic binders with document protectors as soon as I can get my hands on a printer! Hope that's all right...

As for YOU Anime Obsessor, of course Irkens can lay eggs! Didn't you hear Zim in the episode with the downed 'love ship'? and I quote:

"Don't come any closer! Don't try anything on me or I'll...I'll... I'll lay eggs in your stomach! I mean it! "

See?


	4. A Familiar Situation

Chapter 4: A Familiar Situation 

Kile sat shaking on the ground. He did this because he was cold of course - him being in the middle of space and the heater not working, you know - he also did this because he was a bit scared at the moment.

His leaders had tied him up for interrogation, and had used what was available for rope. His wrists were bound in licorice, and (despite it being dark and all) they had blindfolded him with Fruit by the Light-year. Red had wanted to gag him with that as well, but Purple convinced him that wasn't a very good idea as he wouldn't be able to talk very coherently. Besides, he might eat it!

"Okay, Snack Thief!" began Red, in his best menacing interrogator voice, "There was a lot more snacks where those came from and now there aren't anymore! So either you're gonna go find us more or we're gonna...um...we'll have to...err..."

He turned to his co-lord, "What would be a good punishment thingy to scare this guy into hacking up the goods?"

Purple shrugged, "I don't know, but I'm getting pretty hungry...maybe we could eat _him _instead, if nothing turns up."

Kile turned towards the sound of Purple's voice, "My Tallest, NO! Please! I'll...I'll do it! I can take you to where-"

"He probably tastes like nachos, though. I've heard it said somewhere that you are what you eat, and I'll bet you had a whole packsack of nachos under there, didn't you, Red?"

"My Lords, listen! I said I'd-"

"But could you really eat him _raw, _Pur? He's all fleshy and stuff! Maybe if the nuclear wave was still functioning..."

"What if we made something explode? We might be able to use the heat from that and-"

"WOULD YOU GUYS SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME?"

The two vertically gifted leaders turned as one towards the semi-gifted Kile.

"Excuse us," said Red, "But don't you know it's _rude_ to interrupt your all-mighty leaders' conversation?"

"Not to mention," Chirped in Purple, "pretty suicidal to!"

"I'm trying to tell you that I'll take you to where there are more snacks! I've been hording too! I just didn't know if it would be enough to last the whole week!"

"...Oh" said Red, "Well why didn't you say so in the first place?"

Kile sobbed.

* * *

Dib had watched Zim take off again from his window. The jumble of feelings leaving him unsure of what to do next.

He closed the curtains and (making sure the windows were locked this time) fell forward onto his bed, burying his face in his pillow.

"Ugh... dumb, egomanical, crazy, idiotic, STUPID ALIEN!"

"Shut UP in there, Dib! I'm not saying it again!"

Dib shut his eyes and tried to more calmly assess his situation.

All right, so Zim is on a mission to have a kid. In a twistedly flattering way, he had chosen Dib as the best representative of the human race. Didn't they have enough irkens on his home planet? Was Zim homesick for his own kind or something? Maybe an alien virus wiped them all out and he was the only one left...

... or maybe ZIM was the one who had come down with an alien virus! Or a human virus that interacted differently with alien genes. Something innocent like the common cold might be a matter of life and death for irkens.

Dib sat up with the force of the realization. If it was a virus, then that meant he wasn't really pregnant with an evil alien baby! Zim was just possibly, horribly, deathly ill, and could keel over and die at any given moment unless he found a cure within the next 3 days...

Dib wanted to jump for joy.

His stomach rumbled. Dib screamed. Gaz threatened. Dib calmed down when he realized it wasn't an alien growling at him from inside his stomach. He just hadn't eaten anything since his cold piece of toast that morning. Maybe he could better continue his train of thought on a full belly.

Satisfied on having reached one conclusion at least, Dib hoped off his bed and headed for the kitchen hoping that, in her food poisoned state, his sister hadn't eaten the last of the cereal.

* * *

The next day at school, Zim was feeling a little better. His nausea had let up, and he'd adjusted most of his base's medical equipment to suit human needs. Now he just needed to set up a time for the Dib to come in for a round of diagnostic testing. (And probing... so much probing to be done!)

Zim hadn't been sitting down for even 5 minutes before a ball of paper bounced off his head. The alien chanced a glance in the general direction from which it came, and caught his old nemesis looking at him. Dib made quick phantom gestures that Zim should un-crumble and read the note, and then went back to seemingly paying attention to Miss Bitters' newest rant on doom by flesh-eating monkies.

Zim hid the note under his desk and quietly un-crumpled it.

_'Boy's bathroom, after class, leave after I do.'_

Zim folded it back up neatly as he could and stuffed it down the front of his pants. (One of these days, he mentally noted to himself, he'd get pockets sewn on).

After class, Dib walked straight past without seeming to acknowledge him and Zim waited until he was out of sight, before following.

After the routine checks and door stop stuffing, the boys found themselves in a familiar situation.

As before, Dib spoke first. "Okay, first question... why are you doing this?"

Zim tilted his head a little. "What do you mean? Zim already told you. You are the vessel for Zim's future spawn."

"But WHY do you need spawn? Is there something going on at your home planet? Like say... a deadly virus going around making your people crazy?"

Zim's antennae perked up at that, or tried to anyway. He fixed his wig. He knew something was going on where his planet needed more soldiers, but was unclear on the details. The idea of a deadly virus being the cause had not occurred to him.

"Er... of course not! Silly Dib-worm! That's impossible!"

"Then why, Zim? Gimme one good reason I should go along with this crazy scheme of yours."

Zim scanned his pak for a suitable answer. Nothing came to mind. Why DID he make the Dib his spit-mate? Yes, he was the best human, but the best human was still inferior to the lowest irken. He knew plenty of irken females that could easily be better receptacles for his spawn. Yet somehow... the idea of doing with them what he'd done with the Dib-beast... made him sick to his squeedly-spooch.

And he didn't know why.

"...I don't know," he finally confessed.

Dib smiled. He smiled hugely and even started laughing! Zim didn't see what was so funny, but started laughing along anyway.

Dib stopped laughing. He waited a few minutes for Zim to stop too. "Ahahaahhahahh... haha... ah... oh. Are we done?"

Dib nodded. "Yup. I just confirmed my theory. You ARE under the influence of some crazy alien virus. There's no other explanation. So, there's only one thing for us to do."

Zim nodded, "Yes, of course! There's only one thing for us to do!"

Dib waited.

Zim waited.

Dib face-palmed. "You have no idea what that is, do you?"

Before Zim could reflexively deny the accusation, Dib provided the answer, "We work together on a cure."

Zim gaped. The human was going to help him?

Did that mean-?

As if reading his thoughts, Dib shook his head, "What I meant was, I'm gonna help you find out what your defect is and fix it, then you can go back to being your egotistical annoying self and I can go back to stopping whatever evil plans for world domination you might come up with."

Zim's face fell a little, "Why...would you want to go back to that?"

Dib sighed, "Well, thanks to your little late night visit last time, you could've easily infected me with whatever it is you have, so if we find a cure, it would benefit me to have access to it. Plus I find that aspect of you easier to deal with. At least then I know what to expect and how to react to you. Now..."

He brought out a notebook and pencil from somewhere, "When did you first start feeling...not like your usual self?"

Zim rubbed the back of his head, "Um...day before yesterday I guess...after you had followed me home from school again."

Dib nodded and scribbled something down, "I noticed your weird pod thingy was smoking and stuff at the time too. What is that thing anyway?"

"You mean my I.D PAK?" Zim reached behind himself and touched it.

"Yeah, that. I know you keep your spider legs in there and store other stuff in it too. Is that all it does? Is it like some kind of storage unit?" Dib's eyes were shining with curiosity and eagerness as he questioned the invader, clearly excited by the prospect of learning something new about the alien's technology.

Zim flinched at those eyes. Although it made the human look adorable, it also reminded him of whom Dib was, and he wondered how much information it was safe to reveal about himself. How did he know the paranormal investigator wasn't just pretending to help him in order to gather information to use it against him?

Then again if he told boy nothing he wouldn't be able to help him if his offer was sincere...

Zim sighed. There wasn't anyone else he could talk to about it, and he really didn't want to face all these strange changes in himself alone, "Yes, it holds all my data too. My memories, my training, my...life force..."

Dib's eyes widened, "Woah! So it's like your brain!" he cocked an eyebrow at Zim's head, "Do you have two brains then? Like a stegosaurus! It's thought that it had another kind of brain in front of its back hips, like an extension. Which one's your main brain? Or is your PAK just a back up?"

Zim wasn't sure which question to answer first. He also didn't know what a stegowhatsis was. This was all very confusing for him. "Um..."

"HEY!" someone was beating on the door, "OPEN UP IN THERE! I HAVE TO GO!"

Dib bit his lip, then looked back at the invader, "We'll talk some more later after school. We can do it in your house if you want."

Without waiting for an answer, he un-jammed the door stop and opened the door where he was met by a brown haired boy bouncing up and down holding his crotch.

Dib gave him a nervous smile, "Hehe, sorry about that. The door got stu-"

The boy ran past before he could finish, diving into the first stall and slamming the door shut.

Dib looked at Zim and shrugged.

"Lunch isn't quite over yet. You wanna get something to eat?"

Zim knew that Dib knew he hated cafeteria food. However, the idea of the human willingly wanting to spend more time around him made the irken feel... something. It was like the feeling of conquering a small planet, except, not exactly. It was like the first time he'd ridden a space pig. While drinking space soda. It was...

Happiness.

The realization did something to his squeedly. It felt like a shot of electricity running through it. His pak seemed to be doing something to him. He felt a sudden urge to... be nice.

"...sure"

End Chapter 4!

Thankies go to PP! Especially because even though she lets me know in her edit notes what she thinks of my ficcy, she still left a review on the main page! (Reviews are addicting!...must seek rehab...)

As per MW's '?', I say the switchboard merely unblocked what was already there! It's just that since it was keeping the emotion at bay, it started building up and up and up until the point where when it was finally released, the poor guy was overwhelmed! Everyone knows Zim and Dib got sparks going between them, but with Zim's newfound emotions, they're just lighting up a new kind of fire than before! ; 3 That, and the 'love conquers all' I'd thought of previously, but your fanfic _did_ come to mind as I'd thought of it. : D

I _know _Zim was just saying that egg laying thing as a bluff threat, I just wanted some kind of ammo to play with AOYR. (pokes her back), although I must say it'd be the most logical non-technological way for them to have reproduced because:

1. Irken antennae and bug eyes are suggestive of insectoids. Insects lay eggs! (The ones I'm familiar with anyway)

2. His green skin and reptilian tongue are reptile traits, and reptiles lay eggs! (same as above...)

3. SO THERE! : p

Another thing, I'm stuck as to what to do next with Kile and the Tallest.I'm thinking of even leaving them out of the next few chapters entirely. If you'd rather that not happen you can e-mail me some ideas and I'll see what I can do with them. But DON'T put your ideas in the reviews section! I want it to be a surprise! If you click on my name at the top of the page next to the word 'Author' you'll arrive at my homepage and can click on the blue 'email' to get the address.

Oh yeah, and PP just told me she's going camping for 2 weeks, so no updates until after Jan 5th or so.

Thank you and good night!


	5. Damn You, Delicious Turkey Meats!

Chapter 5: Damn You, Delicious Turkey Meats! 

After gathering all the snacks they could find on the Massive (the short ones  
grabbed most of the snacks and bolted; after all, they need energy to keep things up  
for a week! –snickers-) Tallest Purple, Red and switchboard operator Kile tried to divide the snacks "fairly" amongst themselves, but things just don't work out that way, do they?

"_This_ half of the snacks are **mine**," declared Purple, "Seeing as how you cheated and already ate from your stash beforehand!"

"That's **a lot** more than half, Pur!" retorted Red, "Besides, who says I ate them? Did you see me eat them? Did you have a little mini camera installed in my room to spy on me, and watch me eat them? Huh? Did'ya? Huh?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…PURPLE!"

"What? It was just for that one time that you stole my sock puppet and said you hadn't! How do you think I knew you had it hidden in your sock drawer, of all places? I had planned to remove it, but you were always there and I didn't have a chance to-"

"Traitor!"

"It's your own fault! If you hadn't taken Muffy, I would've never had had to!"

Sitting in a far corner by himself, amidst the royal feud, was Kile, munching miserably on the licorice binds he'd been allowed to remove. Besides a handful of popcorn his leaders had been so gracious as to throw at him, it was all the food he had.

"Muffy was _my _sock to begin with! From my favorite pair too! Use your own to make puppets with next time!"

"Well, if it was your favorite pair, then why was it lying in the hallway, huh? Explain that Mr. I-leave-my-favorite-pair-of-socks-lying-in-the-hallway!"

"Because the laundry drones are careless idiots and should be shot!"

"…Okay, I agree with you on that one, but what does that have to do with anything?"

Red was about to reply, when a shiny blue wrapper caught his eye, "Ooo! Is that a Blue Squiggly?" he snatched it without waiting for an answer.

"**_My_ Squiggly!**" cried Purple, as he launched himself at his co-lord.

Kile scooped up his meager belongings and headed for higher ground, as his leaders engaged in yet another catfight.

The wrapper had come off at some point. It fluttered in the air above the combatants for a while; the prized contents Red had managed to half stuff in his mouth. Purple bit into the end of the other half before he could consume the rest of it, not being able to just grab the thing as his hands were otherwise occupied.

Kile sat down on a somewhat low hanging pipe and started in on his popcorn, settling to enjoy the show below.

* * *

The boys entered the cafeteria, and discovered the menu for the day was foul meats, green soup, and lumpy white pasty things.

Zim grimaced, "Wasn't the soup red last month? And then brown two weeks after that?"

Dib nodded, "Yeah, but it is best not to think about it. Besides, I'm so hungry right now; I wouldn't really care if it was blue."

They got their trays and lined up.

Zim felt something else come from his spooch. It resembled something akin to concern... but it wasn't for himself. It seemed directed at... the Dib-worm. "Didn't you eat breakfast?"

"Yes, although it wasn't much, just a box of cereal."

"You ate _all_ the cereal, and you're still hungry?"

"No, Gaz had gotten to it before I did. I just ate the box."

Zim's eyes widened, "The box itself?"

"Wasn't that bad, kinda tastes like those candy bars we had to sell that one time; only without the chocolate, and cardboard-y instead of sawdust-y."

Suddenly Dib was at the head of the line.

The lunch lady looked at him uninterested, "Whatchya want, kid?"

"I'll have some of everything, please." He handed her his tray.

Lunch lady piled it high with soup and paste, and then looked back at the boy.

"You got your choice of chicken, duck, or turkey meats."

"Uh... I'll have the chicken."

He got his chicken, "Hey, I think you misspelled 'fowl' meats on the menu."

The lunch-lady shrugged, "Whatever you say, kid."

Zim got a glob of paste, and followed Dib to his table.

Dib dug into his soup as soon as he'd sat down. Zim sat across and just watched him.

The human had cleared off his plate of everything save the chicken in 10 seconds flat, and showed no signs of being anywhere near full.

Zim squinted an eye at him, "You okay, Dib?"

"Oh yeah," the boy swallowed the last of his paste, "Like I said, I just haven't had much to eat this morning."

He stabbed his spork into the chicken.

It screamed and jumped off the table.

The boys watched incredulously as sprinting across the cafeteria floor, spork still impaled in its side.

Dib suddenly sprang from his seat and ran after it, "Hey!"

He chased it under chairs, over tables, around classmates and when he finally had it cornered, the fowl meat spun on its pursuer. It removed the spork from itself, brandishing it like a sword, and took up a fighting stance.

Dib snagged a nearby plastic knife and did the same.

The two combatants clashed their utensils in a series of thrusts, parries, spins and dodges, their clangs and grunts reverberating throughout the otherwise silent mess hall.

Ten minutes into the duel, Dib gave a loud and final battle cry, and then executed a maneuver that effectively amputated both his opponent's wings and legs. The spork flew out of its now limp grasp and stabbed a nearby onlooker's forehead. Not that said person seemed to notice though.

After performing a short little victory dance, the human collected his prize and carried it back to his table, smirking triumphantly.

Zim gawked at him as he brushed off each individual piece before consuming it, scraping the bones free of meat with his tongue.

Having finished he looked across at Zim's untouched paste, "You gonna eat that?"

Zim managed to slowly shake his head, and soon his paste was gone as well.

"Man," said Dib, patting his stomach "That fight sure worked up my appetite...I think I'll get seconds."

Four helpings and three death matches later (the turkey had escaped through an air vent), Dib and Zim went back to class.

Ms Bitters wasn't in the room, and when she finally did come in, she had what looked like some fowl meat or other on her head.

"Gobble-gobble!" it said.

"Class, I've come down with a case of head turkeys, which means I have to go home. Since I couldn't be bothered to find a substitute to doom you with on such short notice, you're free to go...GO NOW!"

"Gobble-Gobble!"

"MY LUNCH!"

Dib had been about to spring at Ms Bitter's head, but Zim had anticipated this action and tackled the boy before he got too far. They wrestled on the ground for a minute, while the rest of the class cheerily sprang for the door and windows.

Zim finally managed to grab the boy from behind and lock his arms against his back; the latter squirmed and struggled, screaming madly all the while.

"Damnit, Zim, let me go! LET ME GO! This isn't over! We never got to finish the match! DAMN YOU, DELICIOUS TURKEY MEATS! COME DOWN HERE AND FIGHT ME LIKE A...um... TURKEY!"

"Gobble!"

"Calm down, Dib!" Zim wrapped his legs around the boy's torso so he wouldn't get bucked off, "I'll take you to Chicky Licky and buy you a new one! Just _calm_ down!"

"NO! This is personal! That coward ran away! He deserves to die!"

Ms Bitters cocked a gray eyebrow at the boys, a trail of turkey piddle sliding down the front of her nose. She turned and quickly slithered out of the room, slamming the door shut on the madness behind her.

Seeing his chance had gone, Dib finally stopped struggling.

He sighed, "Let go, Zim."

Zim hesitated, "You sure you're okay now? You're not gonna chase after it are you?"

"Yeah, yeah, I promise. Now get off!"

The invader complied. Dib leapt to his feet and whirled on him.

"What's the big idea, Zim? Why'd you stop me? I could've had him!"

"You're acting crazy, Dib! More than usual! I had to stop you!"

"Oh yeah? Well if I am, it's probably _your _fault! Whatever's affecting you must be contagious!"

Zim shook his head, "But _I'm_ not going around trying to eat everything in sight!"

Dib shoved his hands in his coat pockets and headed towards the door, "Whatever. Let's just go now."

Zim caught up to him, "Where are we going?"

"Duh. Didn't you say you were gonna get me Chicky Licky? Or were you just saying that?"

Zim sighed, "Okay, fine. We'll get you your filthy foul meats! And then we go to my house to further study my development, yes?"

"Uh-huh, but first thing's first...To the meats!"

End Chapter 5!

Thanks to AOYR, this chapter does indeed have a Tallest and Kile section! So go ahead and thank her if you liked it! And now, _finally_, FOR THE GOOD OF THE PLANET! This fic continues! : D

It's nice to see new names in the reviews section again! (Waves cheerily to HarrySlytherinson, weiss kittyn, kawai baka hentai and CrazyRoxi) And also to _not_ see any names at all! Spooky how the first person to review the last chapter shall forever remain a mystery! Oo;

I just finished reading Twin Kings and it finally hit me how _horribly_ inaccurate this fic is as far as Irken birthing processes! I know AOYR mentioned it previously, but...had I taken it all seriously beforehand; this fic would've never been born. Ignorance is good in this case, yes? : D


	6. You Wanna Get Nekkid Too, Big Head Boy?

Chapter 6: You Wanna Get Nekkid Too, Big Head Boy?

Time had stopped.

Kile had choked on his popcorn and, coughing violently, fallen off his perch.

He sprawled there, gaping, from the floor where he landed, at his lip locked leaders. This was the sight that had caused his to gasp and inhale the slightly stale popped corn kernels, you see.

Almighty Tallest Red and Purple would have gasped at their situation too, had they air enough between them to do so. Instead they had a blue squiggly and each other's tongues. It's the type of thing that usually happens when two people attempt to consume opposite ends of the same spaghetti shaped food at the same time, yet it still came as a surprise to everyone involved. Including the witness.

This was the stuff that prime blackmail material was made of! Oh, the lengths people would go to silence those who knew such reputation and dignity staining secrets! Even murder!

Kile knew this. Moreover, he knew his leaders, however dense they seemed to be at times, also knew this.

This was not the time stopping point, however. No, impending death was much preferred to the alternative.

Before his lords could collect their wits and eject him out of an airlock; Kile scrambled up and flung himself back against the wall, trying his hardest to think wall-ish thoughts and, hopefully, he wouldn't be noticed.

That had been the original plan, anyway.

The first flaw was that the room in which they'd chosen to do the snack dividing in was the control room. The second was that the wall he'd flung himself against was the one containing the 'Master Switchboard Button' which he managed to hit square on.

Seeing as how there was no power at the time, this shouldn't have been a problem.

The third flaw, however, was that Kile hadn't noticed his transfer cable coming loose from his PAK after his fall, and when it got into contact with the button, sparks literally flew!

As the shock and spinning wall knocked him off balance, Kile flailed blindly, his hands managing to hit his fourth and final flaw on the Master Switchboard. (I bet you can all guess which one, neh?)

The machine hummed to life for a few moments, hissing and spitting sparks in all directions.

Red and Purple broke apart, twitching and spasming, while Kile fell to his knees and slumped to the ground; arms and legs limp, like noodles! :-d (Yummy. And some other would so think so too)

The hum died and the machine went silent.

Kile made an effort to move his limbs. He seemed to have forgotten how. A couple of failed attempts later, he tried moving his eyes instead.

They focused on two pairs of red and purple orbs; hovering spheres that turned and floated his direction.

His leaders were advancing towards him; not with anger or murder in their eyes, but hunger.

Desire.

This was the time (and heart) stopping point.

* * *

It was a quick walk to Chicky Licky. Mainly because they were actually running. Well, Dib was running, and Zim was flying, pulled by his collar, behind him. (Zim put his arms out in front of him and hummed a little superhero tune as he was dragged to Chicky Licky's)

Dib bowled over the guy in the chicken costume advertising outside, charged in through the glass double doors, and jumped on the counter.

"We'll take half a dozen Really Big Genetically Altered Super Chicken Specials, king sized, to go!"

The cashier rings up their order. "That'll be $100.50, please"

Dib flips Zim over and shakes him, the exact change falling out of his hair and onto the counter.

The Cashier Guy went behind the food window.

Seconds later, 6 giant chickens, each wearing a greasy cardboard crown, burst out the door and escaped through a newly made exit in the wall next to the glass doors.

Dib and Zim, who's still upside down mind you, stare as they mow down several automobiles and pedestrians, the restaurant's mascot chasing behind them, calling out to his brothers and sisters not to leave 'Chicken Foot' behind!

The cashier comes back out and scratches his chin, "For an extra 5 bucks, I'll tell you where they're going."

Dib ignores the guy and releases Zim. He drops himself to the floor and turns savagely towards his prey, eyes glittering like a cat's.

"NO, DIB!" Zim rights himself and tackles the boy once again, "BAD! BAD DIB!" (he pinned Dib underneath him and made some involuntary pelvic thrusts which the hungry boy ignored)

"Dang it!" screeched the frustrated human, "Why does all my food have to make me chase it? Don't they properly cook things around here anymore?"

His stomach growled then. Dib went slack and teary eyed in Zim's arms. "Sooo hungry…" he moaned.

Zim looked compassionately down at his friend. He rubbed his cheek into Dib's hair, "There, there, Precious! Do not despair! Zim will find inanimate food to feed you!"

Dib turns his head, "Zim?"

The alien was rubbing cheek to cheek with him now, "Hmm?"

"You're doing it again…"

"Eh?…Oh…"

Dib stood up and Zim reluctantly released him, looking away sheepishly.

"Um…like I was saying, GIR usually brings in all kinds of food to the base. Mostly chocolate bubblegum suck monkeys and tacos, but-GAH!"

Dib had collared him before he could finish, and they were off!

* * *

They were down in Zim's lab. Dib was holding GIR under one arm, both mechanically eating various miscellaneous questionably edible items out of the robot's open head. (Including dimes, cds, condoms fresh out the packet, mcmeaties food)

Zim had just finished explaining to Dib about his attempt to contact his leaders and the roadblock he encountered.

"So you're saying," Dib said between mouthfuls, "You can't access your leader's main database, because there's no power?" Zim nodded. "Well, what about your database? Doesn't it have any information?"

"…" He hadn't thought of that. He hadn't exactly been thinking too clearly at the time. (Or thinking at all really)

"Why, of course it does! That's why I brought you here! So you could listen to what it says and help me figure out a solution! Computer!"

"Yes?"

"Run a diagnostic scan on me!"

"Okay"

For a while nothing happened. For an even longer while, still nothing happened.

Several hours later, Dib was asleep on the floor with drool and a half eaten taco near his mouth. GIR was doing a little jig on his head, singing a song about dancing pins on angel's nose hairs or something like that.

Zim had remained standing in the same place and grown irritated. "Computer!"

"What?"

"What's taking so long?"

A mechanical sigh was followed by, "You haven't stepped into the examination holding pod yet."

Dib had awoken at the sound of Zim's voice and sat up, yawning. He instantly snatched up the dancing android and popping his top.

"Is it over?" he asked groggily.

"Just a second…" Zim stepped into the open pod and closed the hatch. "Scan me!"

The computer buzzed, "Can't"

"What's wrong n-oh yeah…"

Zim stepped out of the pod and turned sheepishly to Dib, "Eh…would you mind turning around for a minute? I need to do something."

"What for?" asked Dib, "What're you gonna do?"

GIR giggled from under Dib's arm, "Master's gotta get nekkid!" he turned large cyan eyes up at him, "You wanna get nekkid too, Big Head Boy?"

Zim's cheeks flushed a pretty purple. "GIR! Cease filling the Dib's head with nonsense! I'm the only one who needs to get scanned! He's not sick…"

Dib had frozen in shock at GIR's suggestion, his hands and mouth dripping brown goo and halfway in the robot's head. (Trying not to imagine the arousing images of body rubbing with Zim)

"…Okay, he might be acting a little strange at the moment, but he can get scanned after I do…if he wants to..."

"There's nothing wrong with me!" Dib recovered suddenly and protested, "I'm a perfectly normal human worm baby!"

"…" Zim stared and said nothing. GIR reached obliviously into his head and stuffed its contents into his mouth, chewing the crunchy whatever it was noisily.

Dib blinked, "Did…did I just say that?"

Zim nodded.

"…I guess one little scan can't hurt. It's probably just something I ate." He fidgeted nervously for a moment, "Um, at the risk of being stereotypical…this wouldn't happen to involve any anal probing, would it?" (He hoped there would be)

* * *

End Chapter 6!

Wah...I got my first flamer! ...Sort of...Oo; Took long enough! Congratulations on getting through Chapter 1, imno68angel! Doubt I'll be doing any non-gay IZ fics anytime soon, but if I ever do, I'll keep ya in mind! : D

As per Ovenfresh's '?' , remember the different switches mentioned for the Master Switchboard in Chapter 1? shortxshort, tallxtall, shortxtall, and free for all? The Tallest didn't want to get involved in the smeet-making process, so Kile pressed the 'shortxshort' so only short Irkens were affected.

What's SHOUNEN-AINESS? Oo;

Welcome Azimel, Kumagoro1391, Beligerant Moose and Stryfemrys! Glad you likes my story so far! : D

I'm wondering if anybody got the'(food) to go-for $5, I'll tell you where it's going' joke? I ask because my sister asked me about that when she finished reading this...Meh! :-p

Sorry for taking so long in between chapters! It's just that I have 2 proof-readers I send my stories to, and I like to hear back from BOTH of them before I post, to ensure maximum quality to my fics! But faced with the threats of being removed from people's bookmarks, I suppose getting a response from one would be good enough if the other takes longer than a week. But it'll be YOUR faults if they're not as good as they should be! Your impatience will be your DOOOM! : D


	7. PeekABoo!

Chapter 7: Peek-A-Boo! 

Kile was back in a corner again; lying on his side, and facing the wall of the control room, twitching and sobbing quietly. His limbs had regained feeling a little while ago, and he'd been able to drag himself that far since then.

Almighty Tallest Red and Purple were sitting contentedly in the middle of the room, grinning at each other and puffing candy cigarettes. (Addicting and cancer causing, these tasty lung killers had some unfortunate side effects that would show up years later in the Tallest's body from the consummation of so much junk food in their life)

"-cough-cough-choke-wheeze-cough-" said Red.

"Ditto," said Purple, tossing his own over his shoulder and pulling a new treat from somewhere, "Those things should have labels not to inhale the powdered sugar!"

Red coughed in agreement.

Purple smiled and leaned back, "Wooo! That was fun though, wasn't it! I'm glad we figured out how the whole thing worked so soon! I even discovered things I didn't even know we had!" He licked his sticky fingers and glanced over to Kile, "Hey, the crying Irken there; aren't you glad you were of some use to your almighty leaders?"

Kile didn't answer, just spazzed and sobbed a little harder. (The much abused fan character needed a clean hug from a non psycho person oh so badly.)

Red had finally finished coughing and smiled at his partner. "Yeah, using his transfer cord to open the door to the snack room was genius! But then again, that's why we're the bosses!"

He gestured to the melting caramel lollipop in Purple's hand, "Pass me a Sticky Licky too, would ya, Pur?"

(page break)

While Dib's back was turned, Zim had finished stripping (70's porno music had playing while he was doing this for some unexplainable reason) and had stepped into the examination holding pod. The windows were tinted dark purple, so nothing besides his silhouette showed.

Dib and GIR watched a flat red line, presumably a laser, slide up the inside of the pod until it had scanned its occupant from toe to head and then back again.

A little 'ding' indicated the procedure was complete. The hatch opened up, mysteriously full of mist, which allowed Zim to recover his clothing and put them on before the smoke screen disappeared.

"Your turn, Dib" he said, appearing suddenly behind the boy and pushing him in the pod's direction.

"ZIIIM!" Dib dug his heels into the floor and the alien stopped pushing, "I can do this on my own, thank you very much! Now turn around!" he looked at the little SIR, "GIR, make sure he doesn't peek!"

"Okee-dokee!" GIR said as he latched himself to the back of Zim's head and covered his eyes with his hand thingies; the angle in which he'd launched himself causing them to spin.

"HEY!" Zim protested, dizzy and disoriented, "How come I have to have GIR blind me, but not you! Don't you trust Zim?"

"No," Dib said flatly, removing his last article of clothing and stepping into the pod.

Still feeling a bit woozy from the spin, Zim stumbled and groped the air around him for a wall to lean on, extending both arms in front of him to do so.

A few seconds later, GIR, having already forgotten his original task, leaned his head over his master's face and removed his hands.

"Peek-a-boo!"

"GAH!" Zim wind milled backwards, his cry of surprise overlapping the 'ding' of the examination pod.

Amidst the smoke, Dib was having trouble finding where he'd left his clothes, and was unaware of Zim falling towards him until it was too late.

"Oof!"

GIR was still sitting on Zim's head and covering his eyes, when all of a sudden- "Eeeeeek! SNAKE!" -he wasn't.

"Zim," Dib said with a slow, quiet calm, "Would you kindly remove your face from that area?" (He resisted the urge to just shove Zim's face right in it.)

-(Page break)

Yes, yes, yes, I realize this is a HORRIBLY short chapter, but I've been slammed by massive brain hemorrhaging writer's block, and decided to break the next chapter into _several_ small ones so that I can keep posting, and keep you guys interested! (albeit perhaps a bit angry and mutinous, but that can't be helped I guess...) Oh! The next 4 chapters will feature a dream my sister had of Kile and the Tallest! Consider it an alternate version of the one above (The one in this chapter being the original). And I know it still took a long time, but I _did _only wait to hear from one of my proof-reader's this time...

Give praise to Celestial Star! She brings you the humor in parenthesis :D

Okay! Time to welcome the newbies :D Welcome Kyla Minamoto, sirbotwhatcamefromallthatspace, Chibi Tanny, evildeathbee and g0thgal! Thanks for the reviews and whatnot!

g0thgal says 'Me againZ!' as if you've reviewed before...under a different name, maybe? Oo; Dib's mad at the turkey because it wouldn't let him eat it. It escaped through an air vent in the cafeteria and disguised itself as a naked head turkey pigeon and rode to freedom on Mrs. Bitter's head. :D

Thanks for coming out of lurkdom to show your support Chibi Tanny! (gives you cookie) :D

Thankies also to night-emerald for filling me in on the meaning of SHOUNEN-AINESS! Sadly, I was not being sarcastic and really was ignorant of the word...all I knew was it sounded Japanese and reminded me of a boy manga collection called Shounen Jump Oo;

To Kyla Minamoto, I say Kile hit the Free-for-all button, as his being neither as short as regular Irkens, nor tall as the Tallest, this is the only thing that works for him (or against him, depending on your point of view) :D

To Moonlit Waters, whether tentacles were involved or not, is up to you and your imagination :D Though I doubt they were used in this case, my sister's alternate version might be more to your liking! It's not more graphic or anything, but is pervier and further open to interpretation :D

To inverseinsanity, the reason for Dib's appetite shall be revealed in the next chapter!

To Anime Obsessor YR, I am VERY aware of your happyness with my poor abused fan-character's situation. THE BUTTON HAS BEEN PUSHED! THERE IS NO TURNING BACK! REJOICE AND GIVE REVIEWS:D

To evildeathbee, I have nothing against chicken! I lurves chicken! I had 3 pet chickens living in my backyard once! So cute- And it would seem you are right! I've created a new famous line! Go me! and DAMN YOU DELICIOUS TURKEY MEATS:D

To MaskedScissorDoll...um, you didn't really have a question or anything so...I give you cookies for reviewing every chapter since chapter 4:D


	8. Translation?

(A/N: In case you don't read my notes at the bottom of each chapter, the next 4 Kile/Tallest sections (including this one) are part of a dream my sister had, and is _not_ part of the original story. Chapter 12 will pick up where Chapter 7 left off, meaning Kile never really got molested…just abused as an living Irken jumper cable to open electric doors on the Massive :D)

Chapter 8: Translation?

The Tallest are sitting in the middle of the room, smoking cigarettes while Kile is naked and crying, curled up in a corner.

Red smiles at his co-lord, "Man, I'm tired!"

"Yeah," Purple agrees, "I'm tired too...Let's go to our room!"

They try to move.

Red pouts, "I can't feel my legs!"

"Me neither...Hey, you!" Tallest Purple points at Kile, "The crying Irken in the corner! Push us to our rooms!"

Kile doesn't answer, only sobs louder.

Red sneers at the pitiful sight, "Man, he's useless!" and throws his cigarette butt at him.

Clothes have magically appeared on Kile as the cigarette falls down the back of his shirt.

He immediately gets up, flailing and screaming in panic.

The Tallest laugh at him.

Purple grins sadistically, "Hey! Me too!" and throws his own cigarette at Kile.

It goes down the _front_ of his shirt, causing the screams and flails to become more wild and frantic.

The Tallest laugh harder.

"He's not that useless!" Red clutches his sides in mirth, "He's good entertainment!"

Kile goes up in flames.

The Tallest stop laughing.

Purple gapes, "Oh shit..."

Red turns to him, "Hey, should we help him?"

"I guess..."

Red beams as an idea pops into his brain, "I know!"

He pulls out his 'little fireman' and takes careful aim...

Just as the arc of yellow liquid falls toward its target in slow motion, Kile screams "Nooooooooooooooo!"

He falls to ground, rolling until the flames have finally gone out and then just lies on floor, smoking and sizzling.

"There!" Purple says proudly, "Now that we've helped you, push us to our rooms!"

Kile cries.

Red rolls his eyes, "Fine! We don't need you! We can get back by ourselves!"

Purple squints quizzically at him, "How we gonna do that?"

Red extends his upper limbs and shakes them. "We can still use our arms! Let's crawl!"

And with that, Red and Purple fall forward and begin to drag themselves out into the hall.

(Page break)

Once Dib was fully clothed again, he and Zim went over the results of their tests.

"Irken Invader Zim," droned the computer, "Discrepancy found in PAK sector 44b, Emotion Filter 9, 'love block' has been deleted by remote source, Master Switchboard; location, Massive. Restoration requires access codes of users 'Nacho Lord Red' and 'Purple Puppet Master'. Attempts to contact users failed. Retry or abort?"

"Keep trying!" said Zim, "I want to know the _second_ their system comes back up!"

"Affirmative. Transmission signal settings will be every five minutes."

Dib looked confusedly at Zim, "Translation?"

Zim sighed, "It means I'm stuck like this. Until I can contact my Tallest and get their access codes, there's nothing I can do..."

Dib shrugged, "I've heard cold showers work well, but with your _skin condition_ and all, I guess you'll just have to deal with it."

"Human Dib Membrane," interrupted the computer, "Alien DNA detected attached to inner stomach lining. Contact with human DNA causing mutation and growth. Anomaly is absorbing nutrition from digested foods, causing increased appetite in human host."

"So...what does that mean?" Dib asked, sounding slightly disgusted, "Sounds like a new breed of tapeworm. I _knew_ that last bowl of soup looked a bit moldier than the others..."

Zim looked thoughtful for a while, then his eyes lit up and widened to the size of plates.

He suddenly seized Dib in a fierce hug. "Oh Dib-Darling, this is **_WONDERFUL!_** (**_KISS!)_** **_Amazing!_ (_kiss!)_** _Beautiful (kiss_) Delicious... (-...kiss...-)"

"Mmph! GAH! STOP THAT!" Dib shoved Zim's face away at arm's length when he'd managed to free one from the crushing embrace, "And what are you so happy about my having a tapeworm for? Do you have any idea _what_ a tapeworm is? Or how humans get rid of them? _Geez_!"

Zim shook his head, "I know what it is, but I don't think that's it, Dib." he smiled broadly at the human, "I think you might be pregnant!"

(And then Dib died)

(Page Break)

End chapter 8!

Now, allow me to make the last Kile/Tallest section clear…Kile was _not_ a 'date rape victim'! He ­_is_ in this chapter, but in the last one, he was just spazzing and stuff because of the after effects of electrocuting himself twice in a row (Once for activating the Free-for-all-button, and again when the Tallest used his transfer cable to open the door to the snack room (which is what Purple was talking about when he said he was glad they figured out how the thing worked, meaning using Kile's transfer cord as a type of skeleton key for the Massive and when he says "I even discovered things I didn't even know we had!" he's talking about the snacks!)

Now, WHERE'S MY COOKIES SHAPED LIKE ZIM AND GIR? AB6 DEMANDS THEM! (looks accusingly at Kyla Minamoto) O-O

I thank Intelligence is Stupid for the mental support! I apologize for making you suffer, but I hope this eases your pain a little :D

Welcome Glitch 63! I like your idea for what happened when the power went out the first time…Maybe one day when I'm not being lazy, I'll go back and change it! ;D

To night-emerald: What comic are you talking about? Oo?

(Gives Anime Obsessor YR cheap cardboard cut-out valentine with a bag of heart shaped compressed sugar tablets) :D Yeah, hormones suck. I hope someday scientists will come up with a way to purge that nonsense from our systems! DECREASE THE SURPLUS POPULATION AND MAKE EVERYBODY A BACHELOR :D

Thankies for reviewing Coco Tapioca! Glad you think everybody's IC! Speaking of which, **_MY IC PROOF-READER IS HAVING INTERNET PROBLEMS AND SAYS SHE MAY NOT BE ABLE TO DO MUCH PROOF-READING FOR AT LEAST A MONTH AND I SHOULD LOOK INTO GETTING A REPLACEMENT JUST IN CASE…ANYBODY INTERESTED? _**

To chickens: I already explained about Kile, so hopefully you're not that sad anymore :D

To Kittie: Even though you seem to have only read up to chapter 3, I like non-ZADR fans who don't flame my fics and can appreciate the humor:D Also, what's up with you people and Chapter 3? I _hated_ chapter 3! Yet so many others tell me how wonderful they found the whole 'spit-mate' thing…I like the idea too, but I _don't_ like how I went about it! Meh ; p

To evildeathbee/g0thgal : Thanks for coming forward with that! And although I kind of like the idea of being worshiped, I also _don't _like the idea of being put on a pedestal, as my already deep paranoia of 'Is this good enough?' would take a shovel and start burying itself, preferring sweet, sweet death to disappointing any hard-core fans! Oo;

I'm also going to go ahead and advertise my _other _fic 'Dancing Queen' also a ZADR, but a little more towards the serious side, as it is lacking in reviews lately and I like to wait for about 10 reviews before posting new chappies…GO READ IT! If you haven't already…Oo;


	9. I Think You Might Be Pregnant!

Chapter 9: I Think You Might be Pregnant!

As Kile continues sobbing, burnt, wet and miserable, a magic fairy pops out of nowhere in front of his prone form.

The fairy looks sympathetically at him, "Oh, poor Kile!" she cooed, "I'm here to grant you one wish! Anything you want! Now, what is it?"

Kile's lips seemed to have melted into each other during the fire and he couldn't talk very well.

He makes mumbling sounds.

Fairy cocks an eyebrow, "What?"

Kile mumbles louder.

"What? I can't understand you."

Scream mumbles

"...Um, I've kind of got another appointment, so...I'm not coming back, bye!"

Fairy disappears.

Kile is sad ; - ;

(Page break)

"...**_WHAT?"_**

"I said, I think you might be-"

"_PREGNANT? _I CAN'T BE PREGNANT! I'M A GUY! AND BESIDES WE NEVER EVEN HAD..."

Sharp images of Zim's spit-mating ritual in his bedroom flashed blindingly across the boy's mind.

"_HOLY_..." Dib staggered, his knees giving out beneath him. "I think I'm gonna be sick..." (The realization he drank alien sperm not settling well with him.)

Zim was at his side in an instant, holding him up, eyes wide with concern, "Are you alright, Dib, My-Love? Where does it hurt? Tell Zim, so he can kiss it and make it better!"

Dib's eyes flared as he turned to burn holes in the oblivious alien's head.

"Don't _touch_ me, alien scum! This is all _your_ fault! You infected me with some alien parasite! You wanna make it better? Get rid of it!"

"You...you can't possibly be asking me to..._kill_ our unborn smeeby!" the invader pleaded pitifully, "Listen, Dib, I understand you're upset. I did something I didn't know would affect you like this, and I'm sorry you're not happy about it, but you _can't_ take it out on the child! It's an innocent and had nothing to do with this! _Please_ Dibby!"

Dib grit his teeth, "It's not a shmeetbeet!...AND STOP CALLING ME CUTESY NICKNAMES! It's a tapeworm! A sickness!" a look of terror came over him then, "And it's going to _eat_ my organs! It's gonna burst out of my chest like they do in those old, really bad science fiction horror flicks! OH GAWD, I'M GONNA DIE!** QUICK**!" He grabbed Zim's shoulders and shook him, "GET ME A COAT HANGER! GET ME A LAXATIVE! RAT-POISON! I DON'T CARE, _SOMETHING_! I'M NOT LETTING-"

Dib stopped himself, looking more sick than scared now.

Shoving Zim away, he fell to his knees again, turned his body to the side and started throwing up.

Despite having been warned earlier not to touch him, Zim kneeled and wrapped his arms around his mate. He held the drooping scythe away from Dib's face as he continued to empty himself on Zim's floor, wincing only slightly at the smell of stomach acid and partially digested cafeteria food assaulting his antennae.

Dib let himself be held until he had nothing left to bring up. He dry heaved a few times and then just sat there, crying and gasping, his shoulders shaking with weakness and fatigue.

Zim's previous good mood vanished as he continued to watch Dib miserably, comforting the boy as best he could by stroking his hair and murmuring soft reassurances to him all the while.

Eventually, Dib's eyes dried, he stopped shaking and his gasps were reduced to quiet pants.

Zim thought he heard him mutter something.

"Dib-Love?" the alien inquired.

"I _hate_ you!" Dib repeated, anger pitching his weak and raspy voice a few octaves higher.

Zim had no answer for that. Even though it was a familiar phase they'd told each other so many times before in the past, it hurt now..._a lot._

The human ran his hands over his belly, which had rounded out significantly since that morning, "What am I supposed to tell Dad?" his words dripped with sarcasm, "That I got visited by an extra-terrestrial in the middle of the night, it performed some _horrible_ mating ritual on me and now I'm pregnant with it's spawn? He'll probably just send me to the Crazy House again! And Gaz...Heh-heh," he smiled self mockingly, "She won't care. All she cares about is her stupid videogames, pizza and-"

Dib stiffened. (No, not like that you pervs!)

"...What time is it?"

Zim swallowed the knot in his throat, "It's 7:30" the Irken replied weakly.

" **_7:30?_** Oh crap! It's Family Night tonight! I was supposed to go straight home after school! Gaz is going to _kill_ me!"

"I could go with you," Zim offered, cautiously attempting to mend the burning bridge between them, "I doubt she'd _literally_ kill you, but maybe she'd be less harsh if I took the blame? If I explained-" (Little did Zim know, Gaz would kill him!)

"No," Dib sighed defeatedly, "It doesn't matter whose fault it is; I'll be the one ending up taking the brunt of her wrath! Besides, Family Night is for family only. It'd probably just make things worse if I brought you with me."

Smiling sadly, Zim brought one clawed hand down gingerly upon Dib's belly, "But now I'm family too, aren't I?"

(Dib then jumped out a conveniently nearby window)

End Chapter 9!

Thanks for responding to my ad, night-emerald! And I'm NOT a chaloopa! I am a human bean! Oo;

Welcome out of lurkdom Kugi Usagi! Glad to hear you're gonna review from now on! I like to hear opinions from EVERYBODY, whether they think what they have to say is important or not : D

(GASP!) ieatfood equals hot-choc? OO; I love your IZ art! Especially the way you draw Dib! The others are cute too, but Dib especially! What with those cool goggles on his head and he's so tall while Zim's still short and the comic with the school invaded by monsters and-and-and (verbal skills short circuits and head explodes in GIR-like manner **_-BOOM-_**) ...um, yeah, big fan! Glad you likes my story! (disembodied voice is coming from inside your brain! Neat, huh?) : D

Hi, V The HAPPYLURKER! Been a while since I've heard from you! Thanks for visiting the review section again! It gladdens me muchly: D

Sirbotwhatcamefromallthatspace the Pyro! And don't worry! There is still more Kile torture to come! (Death to Chapter 3!) ; p

Kittie came back! Yay! Or maybe you have an alter ego like g0thgal/evildeathbee and have reviewed before under a different name? Oo; Meh, thnx for da review : D

Ah, somebody who reads the Kile and Tallest section! Hey, inverseinsanity! yeah, I thought the Computer could be a bit more sarcastic too, but meh!

Greetings evildeathbee! Glad you have 'friends' that can help you out like that!

Hello, Intelligence is stupid! I'm not sneaking away from my chores, I just like being thorough about them...

Anime Obsessor YR got a sneak peek for making me 'True Love' plushies! (hugs) Thanks again:D

Hey, CrazyRoxi! Glad you liked chapter 7! Even though 8 was already up and stuff Oo;

Hiya, Moonlit Waters! Yeah, I thought nobody else has tried to impregnate the Dib:D

They're 'smeebies' Zims-Lover! I got the idea from another fic where Zim tries to make Dib his sex-slave and the Irken ends up pregnant.

I hope this clears things up for you Death-Angel42! It was the 'spit-mating'! Though I think the 'mating' part of it should've tipped you off :D

And finally, welcome to the fun demongirl12000:D

Woo!...that's everybody right? K! Oh yeah, updates are gonna be every 2 weeks now...unless somebody can give me more ideas on what to do with Kile and the Tallest by picking up from chapter 7?

No? Then stop whining! ;p


	10. Sympathy Belly!

**NEXT UPDATE IN 2 SATURDAYS OR 20 REVIEWS, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST! **

(I.e. mark your calendars for 2 weeks from now...)

I'd also like to mention that I asked submissive2gir to draw an Mpreg Dib being held by Zim! I think it's adorable! You can see it at: www. deviantart. com/deviation/15902953 (Just type it without the spaces)

Chapter 10: Sympathy Belly! 

The Tallest are still dragging themselves across the hall, crawling to their rooms.

"Man," Red complains, "I'm getting tired."

"Yeah," Purple nods, "Me too. Let's stop."

Red shakes his head and keeps crawling, "Nah, we're almost there..."

Both Tallest suddenly look up as they pass by the snack room.

They gasp, "Our snacks!"

The snacks were piled high in 3 separate stacks. Each Tallest took a stack for himself and dug in!

_Hours later..._

Red pats his stomach, "Mmm! Good stuff! Still hungry though."

Purple burps, "Yeah..."

They turn their heads as one to Kile's stack.

"...He won't miss it."

"Yeah."

_Several **more** hours later, Kile had painstakingly managed to stumble his way into the room._

He gapes disbelievingly at the sight of his leaders sitting among a massive pile of empty plastic bags and candy wrappers, patting their big, fat bellies.

He mumbles angrily

Red squints at him, "What?"

Mumbles louder

"Your stack? We ate it."

Mumbles loudly and makes obscene gestures.

Purple looks condescendingly at Kile, "You know, you should be grateful that you're still of some use to us!"

Kile jumps up and down and proceeds to throw himself on the ground, slamming his fists on the tiles and kicking his legs in a well deserved temper tantrum.

Red ignores him and yawns at Purple, "I'm getting sleepy."

"Yeah..."

They curl up with their backs to each other, pulling up a sheet that happened to be there and covered their bodies with it, instantly falling asleep.

(Page break)

Later, at the Membrane residence, Dib opened his door and was confronted with a very angry entity of doom.

"You're late, Dib," she growled.

"GAZ!" Dib jumped back in surprise and fear, but mostly fear, "What are you doing up? I thought you were still sick!"

"I got over it. Besides, it's Family Night, and you know how Dad is about that. Didn't want to leave until you got here."

She opened her eyes to dangerous slits, "You've wasted exactly one hundred and thirty three minutes of Dad Time, and if you don't have a good excuse for it, I swear that I will _doom_ you everyday from now until one hundred and thirty three days afterwards!"

Dib's hands automatically went for his stomach, and Gaz's gaze followed.

"...Aliens replace your bladder with a rubber piggy again, Dib?" she inquired sarcastically, "Or maybe you're going to tell me Zim finally carried out his threat and laid eggs in your stomach?"

Dib's eyes bugging out of his head at her last question answered for him.

Gaz squinted an eye at her psychologically disturbed brother, "Always knew you two were queer. Thought Zim'd be the one who'd get knocked up, though. He wears that stupid pink dress all the time anyway..." She sniggered then, "Oh, wait'll I tell Dad about this!"

"Gaz, PLEASE!" Dib pleaded, "Please don't say anything about this to him! Maybe he won't even notice!"

"Hey, kids!" came the cheery professor's voice from behind them, "Well, now that we're all here, who's ready for some annual family bonding at Bloaty's, hmm?"

Gaz smirked sideways at her brother.

He bit his lip and shook his head tightly.

She ignored it. "Hey, Dad," Gaz commented casually, "Notice anything different about Dib?"

Membrane twisted his head and considered his oldest offspring for a moment, "Hmm, he _does_ seem to have acquired extra mass since last I saw him. Is anything wrong, Son?"

"NO!"

After a moment of awkward silence, in which his father eyed him quizzically, Dib cleared his throat and tried again.

"Eh-heh, I mean no, nothing's wrong, Dad! I'm fine, really! It's just that, um...I, er-"

"Dib's pregnant, Dad."

Dib gaped disbelievingly at her, Gaz smiling as if she was telling the world's greatest joke.

"Oh, is that all?" The professor chuckled; earning him confused looks from both his children, "Why didn't you just say so in the first place? How long are they making you stay _pregnant_, Son?"

"...Eh?" Dib replied intelligently.

"That sympathy belly" he pointed to Dib's stomach, "I know it's a new thing the education system introduced to get males to wear and gain an understanding of what it's like to be a pregnant woman. How long will you be required to wear it?"

"Oh! Right! Sympathy belly!...Uh, until Tuesday I think." Zim's computer had told him that was approximately the amount of time it should take the anomaly to be expelled naturally from his body, "Shouldn't take any longer than that!"

Membrane nodded, "That's good, Son! You know, women are always saying how men wouldn't be able to handle going through the process of childbirth; but _I_ showed them! _Twice_ I showed them! In fact, my assistant Harvey should be due with triplets any day now! I should go check on him later..."

He continued muttering to himself as he made his way past his gawking children and to the car. (A vomiting fest then ensued.)

Gaz, of course, was the first to recover, "_Well_!" she said in her 'peeved- at-the-world' tone, grabbing her still-in-shock brother and dragging him behind her, "Guess later I should go drink beer and lift weights with the other _girls_ then..."

(End Chapter 10!)

I'd like to say that, despite the vomit fest my humor writer threw in, I did not mean that Membrane and his 'assistant' had sex, as Membrane's got his own sperm. Anybody ever see that movie, 'Junior' with Arnold Swartzenegger? I meant it to be like that. For those of you not familiar with said movie, Membrane implanted some random woman's donor egg into his stomach, and then his own seed.

Been forgetting to thank my proof-readers, so I'll do so now! A big THANK YA VERY MUCHLY to: Celestial Star Mali, Chemical Irony, and night-emerald! Especially Celestial Star, since she's been helping me since the beginning! She was one of my first fans!

Now to thank and welcome the reviewers!.

demongirl12000: Coincidences are fun, no? Makes you think you might have super predict the future powers! (Skeptical reviewers: No it doesn't...) Oo;

BabyDee56: (dies)...oh wait...I updated didn't I? Nevermind! Welcome! ;D

Anime Obsessor YR: I am aware of how much you like to traumatize that turkey. I dub him **'Trauma Turkey'**! 2nd cousin to the **'Naked Head Turkey Pigeon'**! Woot! XD

Shadow fat: Another new person and/or alter-ego! My awesome proofies help keep things Invader Zimish! Hooray!

Polly-Ache: Ah! I have converted a new member to the faith! Welcome my child! ;D

Amber: First off, welcome to de fun! As for your '?' maybe...

Kittie: CHIBI69? Does that mean you'll be leaving signed reviews now? Coolness!

Coco Tapioca: Hee-hee! Watch me start off a whole chain of Mpreg Dib ZADR fics now...

Queenstheif Draconess Herselve: _**Argh!**_ Pedestal! (takes shovel and starts digging) _hint, if you don't know what I'm talking about, read my chapter 8 response to evildeathbee_

Maran Zelde: Yeah, I'm thinking most people are skipping that section, and yet without it, my chapters would be even shorter...but everybody still likes them anyway, don't they? Meh, I didn't mean for Zim to sound anti-abortionist...it just came out that way.

night-emerald: Vacation? My slaves receive no vacation time! Get back to work! (Cracks whip overhead) I AM ZIM!...Wait, no I'm not...oh,well ;p

ShikamaruNoMiko: Ahh, I missed your reviews! You know, since I told you about my idea for Dib getting pregnant beforehand, I thought the whole time you were reading my updates you'd come to expect this, but surprises are good too, neh?

evildeathbee: Even though there were only 2 characters in the Zim/Dib section, and Zim was OOC, I don't see where you get the idea that EVERYBODY's reactions were right, but love the praise anyway!

Rag Girl: ..._ANOTHER _Chapter 3 lover! (head spins 360 degrees while spitting fire) Bleah! Meh, thanks for the review anyway! And who is this DU person? Oo; And don't butcher the Dib! He is with smeet now! And Zimmeh wuvs him! He would be sad if you did... ; - ;

Intellegence is stupid: Zombies don't like sugar! The eat BRAINS! Tasty raw brain meats that have been rotted by too much TV and internet! And what exactly is it that you want an answer to? You never specifically asked me a question...Oo;


	11. You Want Cheese On Yours?

Chapter 11: You Want Cheese on Yours? 

Kile stopped in mid-tantrum and looked up at the sound of his Tallest snoring.

Seeing them so fat and happy at his expense, he grit his teeth frustratedly and clenched his fists tightly, his claws puncturing the flesh of his palm and causing blood to ooze between his fingers.

He stood up then, and through watery eyes, glared at his leaders.

Approaching their sleeping forms quietly, he grabbed the end of the bed sheet covering Purple and yanked it up, smothering his leader's face with it.

The violet eyed Tallest wakes up at the lack of oxygen and shoots his arms in front of himself, desperately trying to push his attacker away; but Kile's anger had given him an adrenaline rush of strength, so his attempts to free himself came to no avail.

Switching tactics, Purple flings his arms to the side, hitting Red's shoulders.

Red stirred, "Stop it, Pur!" he muttered sleepily, "I don't wanna do it with you right now!"

Purple kept hitting him.

"Come on! I'm still tired from the little guy!"

Keeps hitting.

Red finally gets up irritatedly and spins towards his co-lord "Geez! What's your...oh crap!"

Red grabs Kile's shoulders and flings him away from Purple, quickly removing the sheet from his face as well.

Purple wheezes and sprawls where he lays, tongue hanging out and eyes crossed.

Kile scrambles to his feet and runs out into the hallway.

Red stands up, still gripping the sheet in his claws, and yells after Kile.

"HEY! Come back here!"

He then realizes he is standing.

"Hey! I can feel my legs again! Woo hoo!"

With that, he chases after the would be assassin.

Being a whole head taller than the unlucky switchboard operator, Red quickly catches up to him. As they continue running, Red twists up the sheet into a rat-tail and whips Kile as he runs, Kile yelping at every hit.

One whip managed to wrap around his leg, causing him to trip and fall. Red stops running and stands over him, giving the author's much-abused fan character a few extra whippings for good measure.

After finally being whipped out, Red uses the sheet to wipe the sweat from his brow, and just breathes for a while.

"Woo! I'm tired!"

He then looks down at Kile, at poor Kile who'd landed on his face and with his little bum sticking slightly in the air.

"Well..." Red smirks evilly, "Not THAT tired!"

As Red undoes his pants, the dream fades to black.

(End of my sister's scary, brain traumatizing dream! Rejoice! Even though, personally, I found the entire thing gut-bustingly humorous and wish she'd have another one, but that's just me...Neeways, on with the Zim/Dibness!)

Besides being banned for life for eating Bloaty's out of business, Family Night for Dib was uneventful. The 'sympathy belly' was not brought up again, and neither was his father's...research.

Arriving home, Gaz headed straight for the couch in front of the television, asserting her claim on the remote control. It was just as well, since Dib had had a very big day and just wanted to get some sleep.

"Night, Gaz!" he called as he ascended the stairs. She growled in response and continued flipping through channels.

He'd been about to call out to his Dad as well, but a door slamming shut below let him know he'd already gone into his lab. Dib sighed and continued towards his room...

Then stopped.

Even before entering, Dib knew something was wrong. The lights were on and his door was open, and he could hear someone shuffling around inside...

A small peek inside confirmed his worst fears, "ZIM?"

The alien was dressed up in his germ-combat suit; tissue box shoes, pink shower cap, germ vision goggles and all!

"Dibling!" the Irken pounced, but stopped in mid-air and screamed, "NO! The germs got you too! I'll save you!"

Dib got a faceful of germ spray and began to cough, walking backwards and waving his hands to fan the lemony fresh O-Zone eater away.

A cry of "There!" was his only warning before Zim pounced again, this time catching him in a crushingly loving embrace.

"Welcome home, Love!" the Irken greeted cheerily, "I trust you enjoyed your time with your family and are feeling in a better mood now? Your room was absolutely _oozing_ with filthy germs-beasts! Not that that was entirely your fault, mind you! Even the great _Zim's_ impenetrable fortress was once prey to these vile little creatures! But I've come and killed them all for you! Am I simply not _amazing_?"

As Zim waited for confirmation of his amazingness, Dib blinked the layer of remaining dead germs from his eyes.

"What? Germs?" the human looked skeptically at him, "You came to my house to kill germs?"

Zim nodded enthusiastically, "I can't have you living in unsanitary conditions if we're going to nurture a healthy smeeby! Look! I've even upgraded your sleeping station to accommodate for your extra comfort!"

He gestured grandly to the four-poster with flowing canopy, king size, and wooden bed in the place where Dib's old one used to be. The canopy, blankets and pillows were a deep, royal purple; the pillows were huge and puffy, and each item branded with a gold Irken insignia in the middle.

Dib's jaw dropped at the sight. When he collected his wits, he had the mind to ask, "What did you do with my other one?"

(Somewhere near the beach, a happy little hobo and his fish-boy son were sailing Dib's bed home to visit his hobo-mermaid wife...)

"Donated it to charity...NOW!" Zim swept Dib up in his arms and carried him toward the bed, "As for _you_..."

"HEY!" the human protested, "PUT ME DOWN! ZIM!"

"Okie dokey!"

Zim deposited him into the plush, purple comforter on the bed, into which Dib promptly sank, leaving only the scythe of his hair showing.

"Comfy?" Zim asked the scythe.

"No," came the muffled reply, "I'm kind of suffocating..."

The Irken reached down into the depression from which the hair sprouted and uprooted his mate, carefully placing him in a higher, shallower part of the bed.

"Thanks..." said Dib, as he began to breathe normally again.

"You're welcome!" Zim said, fluffing the boy's pillow, "Do you want anything?" He propped another pillow under Dib's feet and removed his boots, "A sandwich, maybe?"

Dib had been about to protest again, but then...he realized he _liked_ being pampered, despite the fact that it was Zim doing the pampering, and since abuse and neglect were all he'd ever been exposed to, this was a _very_ nice change of pace for him!

Dib relaxed and settled himself better against the pillows, "A sandwich sounds good."

"Great! I'll make us some!"

Zim stepped out the door to his room and then quickly poked his head back in.

"You want cheese on yours?"

Dib tilted his head with one eye squinted and stuck his tongue out in concentration, "Hmm...yeah. Oh! And a few slices of ham, too! With mustard! Oh, and don't forget to add a little relish-and no crust-and have it cut horizontally instead of diagonal...WAIT! Could you also-"

Zim waited patiently as Dib went on listing his preferences. When he finished, the alien nodded and set out purposely on his task of love!

"Sorry I took so long," Zim said when he came back a few minutes later, "But your demon spawned sibling threatened me with serious bodily harm," he showed the human his newly acquired bruises, "so I had to make her one too."

"Yeah," Dib sympathized, taking his meal and biting into it, "Gaz'll do that to ya."

"Not that I couldn't have overpower her or anything!" the invader amended quickly, "I am ZIM! I could've crushed her under my claws like...some...weak...thingy to be crushed!" he elaborated by choking the middle of his own sandwich until ketchup started leaking at both ends, "But since she's related to you and I thought you might get upset, I decided, in an act of _great_ generosity, to spare her puny life!"

"Uh-huh" Dib replied around the wad of mashed bread, ham and assorted condiments in his mouth.

Zim was then suddenly very close to Dib's face, and the human swallowed awkwardly, "Um...Can I help you with something?"

"How's your sandwich?" the invader inquired, "Delicious, yes?"

"It's pretty good." Dib agreed cautiously.

Zim smiled wide, "And wouldn't you just _love_ it if Zim could make you such tasty treats and serve them to you _every day_?"

"Err, gee, that's really nice of you to offer, but..." He fidgeted nervously with some breadcrumbs, "I can make my own sandwiches. Besides it'd be too much trou-"

"It's no trouble at all!" Zim dismissed his worries with a wave of his claws, "I insist! I merely need to run back to my base and pick up a few day's essentials, then come back here and-"

"Woah-woah-woah! You're _NOT_ moving into my house, ZIM!"

"You want to come to mine, then?"

"NO! You go to _your_ house and I stay at _my_ house!" Dib crossed his arms over his chest, "Case closed!"

"The matter is _not_ negotiable!" Zim crossed his own arms and set his jaw, "Like it or not, you're stuck with me, Dib-worm! I _refuse_ to let you go through this alone!"

Dib gaped at the invader, torn between irritation at his persistence and touched at Zim's vehement exclamation of loyalty to him.

"Well...I guess it'd be okay. I mean," Dib picked absently at the remains of his sandwich, ashamed of his own motives, "My dad won't mind. And it'll only be until the end of the week, right?"

Zim relaxed and nodded, "It'll be fun! Like a 'sleep under'!"

"You mean 'sleep over'? I guess..." the human downcast his eyes then. Zim's constant presence during the last few days had temporarily made him forget his loneliness, "I wouldn't know. I've never been invited to sleep over anybody's house before..."

A green claw took hold of his chin then, and gently lifted his head.

Zim's lips met his in a light, feathery kiss, yet Dib could still feel the underlying force of the alien restraining himself.

"You have _me_ now." he told the dumbstruck human when he pulled away, "Though in a sense, you always have. I recall many times when you'd invite yourself over to my house to _play_" Zim smiled his zipper-tooth smile, "Aggravating though those times were, I've usually enjoyed our little encounters. I simply can't imagine trying to take over the planet without you there to oppose me, Dib. Even _then_ I knew I needed you in my life."

Though Zim had done far worse, that butterfly kiss had felt more intimate than anything else. Dib's lips still tingled with it, and he was going insane with the need to touch them, like an itch it wasn't polite to scratch.

Zim held his chin a little longer, as if waiting for him to say something, but Dib just continued to stare and remained silent.

Looking a bit disappointed, Zim let him go, "I'll get my things..."

After he'd left, Dib rose shaky fingers to his lips. Instead of making sensation go away, however, the tingling only spread to his fingertips.

Without really realizing what he was doing, Dib closed his eyes and softly kissed those tips.

When his mind finally _did_ register what his body was doing, it set his entire face on fire.

Dib buried his face in a pillow and groaned, wondering if he'd just made a big mistake. He didn't have too much time to wonder, though, since his body took that moment to remember just how tired it was, and soon the boy drifted off to sleep.

_That's it! No more! The writers block monkey has cut off the flow of ideas to my brain, (That HORRIBLE monkey! ) and I don't know when he'll go away. What I'm saying is, don't expect any updates anytime soon. Hope you enjoyed it so far though. :D_

Now for the traditional individual thanking of reviewers and proof-readers! Thankies to night-emerald, and FutureRulerZim, though none of you may know the latter...

demongirl12000: Hehe, with the advances in science now a days, I'll bet men WILL be able to get pregnant very soon! Whether or not they'd WANT to is another matter _entirely..._

Anime Obsessor YR: hugs Becca Thankies for supporting BOTH my ficcies, and drawing me so much lovely fan-art:D May all your turkeys speak english and your chasms be water-filled!

'Invader' Kri: Always happy to know I've converted another fangirl to the ZADR faith:D And don't worry about your opinion not mattering, because at this point, I'll consider ANYTHING, my writer's block is THAT bad...damn monkey!

iEATfood: Meh, no fairy-godmother status for you, it seems...but thanks for the review!

juvi doom: Tis nice to be loved-ed! But now I fear you'll hate me for my lack of updates...ahh, fame is so fickle and fleeting!

Diana: Woo! You have the same name as me! Granted, I hate my name, but meh...this chapter goes into the overly sappy section me thinks, but it'll have to do!

night-emerald: Again, thanks for helping me by proofing mah ficcies! Glad to know you won't be forced to enjoy yourself again anytime soon, hee-hee!

chickens: Wacky Membrane...yes...yes, he is! Wacky Membrane and his Insane Son! Nice ring to it, yes?

Sullen Goldpaws: You thought WHAT would happen? The Membrane being both father and mother to his children, the impregnation of Harvey, or the sympathy belly of the Dib? And yes, poor Harvey! He's gonna have a hard time picking up chicks, isn't he?

Rag Girl: Kile appreciates your hug and sympathy! As the only one to even _consider _doing so, you get...um...a link to the horribly drawn WDSCF? comic I made for Becca! If you've been reading the other reviewer responses, you'll understand the comic better in relation to her love for the Free For All Button, and chasms! http:www. deviantart. com/ deviation/ 16358249/ (without the spaces)

Coco Tapioca: You're right, not a lot going on in the last chappy...meh, I only got 16 reviews, and yet 31 people on the list of people who watch me...damn lurkers!

TALno-ruru12: WAAAH! Do not use that foul meaty sword on my person! The meatness burns me!...well, not really, but I felt like saying something random...and the R+P sequence is an uncut version of a DREAM my sister had. I was in NO WAY invovled creating the sequence of events, and felt no need to censor it, as I thought it was hilarious as it was, but that's just my sick sense of humor at work...

Death-Angel42: Yes, poor Dibbeh! His little hormones are getting all jangled up with his pregnantness and Zim's horniness and him being lonely...Thanks for the review!

InvaderRed: Well, the Dib-beast is gonna get some shut eye for now...who knows what'll happen when Zim gets back? Not even _I _know at this point...

Evilmewtwo: Cool! An enthusiastic reviewer! I love knowing I have the power to alter people's minds, so am glad I helped change yours about Dib, whatever it might have been previously...Oo; And I inspired a new ZADR fic! Whee!...Actually, you said _slash_, so technically it doesn't necessarily mean it'll be a ZADR but, meh!

Nny11: Thanks for the review! It was short and to the point, but I likes it neeways!

And so your tour through WDSCF? comes to an pause. If anyone wants to share ideas with me, no matter whether you think they are good enough or not, I promise to read and consider each and every one, though none of you have done so anyway when I asked before (except Becca -hugs Becca again-) so I don't expect anyone to do so now, but thought I'd put that out anyway...


	12. The Morning After

Hey, there! I betcha don't know who's writing this! No, not an army of giant squids, no, they're at a funeral. It's me, DarkTheda! Here to make you smile! (Tap dances) Now, smile so that the nice writer lady doesn't hurt me! SMILE, DARN YOU! Well, I'm here to write a few things, anyone that read my stuff before can guess what parts I wrote. Now, bow to me…..

Chapter 12: The Morning After

Dib woke up the next morning feeling warm and surrounded by softness. It was heaven. He sighed happily, snuggling deeper into the warmth, and the warmth wrapped its arms tighter around him, pulling him in deeper still.

**_...arms?_**

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Dib shot up and tried to scramble off the bed. His panicked efforts instead landed him in the deep end where he sank into the sea of suffocating softness, again, and began to drown.

As before, a strong pair of clawed hands reached in and rescued him from the fluffy depths, depositing him on higher ground, but not releasing him just yet.

"Dib-Love?" His rescuer inquired, (the whisper in his voice sending shivers down his spine.) "It's okay; you were probably just having a bad dream! But do not fret! _Zim_ is here to protect you now!"

His near-death experience having squelched his anxiety some, Dib groaned and laid an arm across his eyes, "Great..."

Zim nodded, (glowing with ego inflation.) "I am, aren't I?" YAY! YEAH YOU ARE, ZIM!

Dib sighed and removed his arm, "Ugh...never mind."

He looked crossly at the invader, "What're you doing in my bed, Zim?"

"Don't you remember? You invited me for a sleep under!"

"_Sleep over_," the human automatically corrected him, "And it's more like you invited yourself! Besides, the sleep-overee usually brings a sleeping bag with them to spend the night in."

"What for?" the alien asked, genuinely curious, "The bed's big enough for us both."

"That's not the point!" Dib sat up so he could further debate the alien at eye level instead of having Zim leaning over him, "The point is-"

Dib stopped and did a double take on Zim, having just now noticed his new attire.

"...Are those my pajamas?"

"Yes," Zim stated matter-of-factly, "I took the liberty of putting some on you too." (He sighed at the end of the sentence, like it was a huge chore.)

Dib blinked once, and then looked down at himself. It was true. He could feel his cheeks starting to heat up again, "ZIM!" (Yes, Dib. That's his name.)

"What? Your other clothes were starting to look tight and uncomfortable on you, especially with your expanding proportions!"

Dib was about to come back with a retort when he realized Zim was right. Damn him! "Yeah, well...I still don't like you taking _liberties_ with me while I'm unconscious!"

"So, what was I supposed to do?" Zim asked huffily, "Wake you up? The whole time I was dressing you, you never so much as skipped a snore!"

Dib glared indignantly, "I don't snore!"

"Yes, you do," Zim countered, "In fact; sometimes you make this cute little snorting noise that-"

"I-**DON'T**_-**SNORE**!_ Got that?" Dib crossed his arms and looked embarrassedly at his lap, "Let's just forget this whole conversation ever existed, okay?"

"Okay."

(HEY EVERYBODY! DIB SNORES! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

After a minute or two of silence, "So!"

The invader smiled coyly. "You want breakfast?"

Dib looked up and narrowed a wary eye in return. "Breakfast?"

(Page break)

"You want to put something that comes from _you _in my mouth? NO!"

"It's not going to hurt you, Dib! Just give it a chance! I swear you'll like it!"

"I said, NO! I've already seen the effects that swallowing alien substances have on my body! I'm not touching it!"

"But you're already pregnant! Besides, this is completely different!"

"I don't care! Go dump it out the window! If the plants don't mutate or explode then _maybe_ I'll reconsider!"

Their lover's quarrel was then interrupted by an angry Gaz, as she slammed open the door to their room, "On penalty of impending pain, this better be the last time I can hear your irritating voices all the way in my room!"

"It will be," replied Zim through grit teeth, "As soon as I can pry open my little love-worm's mouth here and shove this tasty treat down his stubborn throat!"

Dib was laying in his new bed, fending off a spoon wielding Zim, while Zim was more or less seated in his lap, the hand not holding the spoon occupied with a bowl of something.

"I'm not hungry!" lied the preggy boy, also through grit teeth. "And I'm nobody's 'love-worm', especially not _yours!_"

"Yes, you are!"

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes, you are!"

"Bite me, Space Boy!"

"Yes, you...you mean it?"

Dib paled as Zim's gaze passed over his neck and earlobes, instantly realizing his mistake in choice of words.

Gaz growled low in her throat, "Grr, I don't _care_ what goes on in here! Just be _quiet_ about it!"

She slammed the door and stomped away, Zim and Dib holding very still until her footsteps faded completely away.

With the immediate danger gone, Dib allowed himself to be moody again. "Sheesh! What's her problem?"

Zim shrugged, "Your sad worm-baby sister is probably just _jealous_ that she didn't have a wonderful mate like _Zim_ to pamper her and make her soup when she was sick! BWAHAHAHA-(_splat_)-**hmph**?"

"Last warning!" Gaz threatened as she slammed their door shut again.

Dib watched Zim peel off the starfish that had suction cupped itself over his mouth. Where did Gaz get it anyway? They didn't have a fish tank...

After yanking the offending creature off, the alien threw it out the window, muttering Irken curses under his breath.

He felt Dib shaking under him. He turned and eyed the human who was covering his mouth to stifle his obvious laughter. "What's so funny?"

Dib just pointed to Zim's face and continued trying to muffle himself. The invader looked behind him at the mirror Dib had on his dresser and finally understood. He had a face full of starfish hickeys.

"You _dare_ to find my predicament amusing?" he asked the human in mock anger, as he returned his eyes to him.

Dib nodded and burst into laughter, no longer attempting to contain himself.

Zim grinned. "Filthy stink beast! I'll give you something to laugh about!"

Then he lunged.

Dib was caught off guard and it was all he could do to keep the Irken at bay as he tickled the boy mercilessly. "Z-Zim!" he whispered fiercely, trying hard not to giggle, "Stop it! (_hee-hee_) Gaz (_hahaha_) gonna kill us! (_hee-hee hahaha!)"_

"Apologize!" Zim whispered back.

"So-_heeheehee_-I'm sor-_hahaha_-I-_hmphmph_-can't-_haha_-stop!"

"Apologize, human!" Zim said again.

"Stop tickling me first!" Is what Dib **wanted** to say, but of course he couldn't. His ribs were starting to hurt, but in a good way, and there were tears rolling down his cheeks.

Zim finally took mercy on the poor boy and just held him pinned down by his arms, deciding to give him a chance to catch his breath.

Dib lay there and panted, a giggle or two escaping every now and then. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were shiny wet.

Before he could stop himself, Zim found his hand moving from Dib's arm to the side of his face, lightly running the back of his fingers down across his cheek.

Dib's eyes widened and he seemed to shrink back, just a bit, his breathing becoming deeper. Zim could feel that breath on his face and he leaned a little closer, wanting to be full of the boy's scent and breath, irresistibly attracted by the gravitational pull of his mate's adorably large head.

Dib's chest rose and fell more quickly as he was also drawn toward the Irken beyond the warning sirens going off in his head.

A low, rumbling growl broke the moment.

The pair instantly swung their heads towards the door, but failed to find the starfish flinging deliverer of death coming to collect their souls. The sound came again and they turned their heads, this time down to Dib's belly.

They looked at each other and Zim spoke first, "Oh! Right!"

He re-armed himself with bowl and spoon and offered its contents to his mate. "Sorry, Dibling. Can't have you doing any strenuous activity on an empty stomach now, can we?"

Dib examined the lumpy, yellow and brown spotted liquid in front of him. Could the lumps be Irken eggs? Would he end up giving birth to a litter instead of just one or two like a normal human? Not that it was normal for a _male _human, but still. He imagined for a moment a dozen little mini Zim's running rampant around his house. Oh _gawd_...

He looked up at Zim, and the alien offered him an encouraging smile. But in the end, it was the yummy smell wafting up his nose and raging hunger that decided for him. So Dib timidly opened his mouth and let Zim feed him.

"Hey!" the human licked his lips, "This stuff's pretty good! What's in it?"

"Told you you'd like it!" Zim beamed, dipping the spoon for another portion. "Mostly Irken ingredients you wouldn't know about, but packed with all the nutrients a developing smeet needs to be healthy!"

Dib swallowed that and then reached eagerly for the bowl, his hunger pushing whatever awkwardness may have lingered from a few moments ago aside. "Gimme!"

"Uh-uh-uh!" Zim held the soup over his head, "_I_ do the feeding!"

"I can feed myself, Zim!" Dib countered, reaching up again.

"How about a trade, then?" Zim hid the bowl behind his back and leaned forward, "My delicious cooking in exchange for small token of your affections!"

The invader closed his eyes and puckered his lips expectantly.

Dib sat there fuming for a while, contemplating whether or not he should just starve himself that day.

His stomach growled menacingly at this idea.

The boy grit his teeth and then looked around paranoidly to his left and right, wondering if today of all days the host of Mysterious Mysteries would come to investigate one of his paranormal findings. He could already see the show's title: "Local Paranormal Investigator Found Pregnant! Secret Affair With Alien Lover Revealed!"

Dib eyed said 'lover' and sighed in resignation. What the heck, why not? If the episode proved popular, they might give him a free T-shirt. Not that he ever wore any shirt other than his blue and grey faced one, but he liked collecting them all the same. He extended his neck, grudgingly giving the invader a quick peck on his lips.

Zim swooned, "Oh, Dibling, our first consensual kiss! This calls for celebration! How many people should we invite to the wedding?"

"Can you keep your voice down, please?" Dib was slightly disappointed at the lack of news crews knocking on his door with free T-shirt in hand. "Much as I'd like to watch my sister ninja starfish you to the wall, I don't wanna be caught in the crossfire."

"_Anything_ for you, my sweet human!" Zim whispered, handing him the soup from behind his back.

Dib was in the process of bringing the proffered bowl to his lips, when another idea stopped it in its tracks.

He lowered the soup and looked at Zim, "Anything?"

Zim smirked and gave Dib a knowing smile. "_Anything_...You have, but to ask!"

"And," Dib breathed disbelievingly, as if what he said next might be too much to hope for, "If I asked you to stop trying to take over the world...would you?"

The words sobered the invader up immediately, "Stop trying to...you mean..." he looked incredulously at the boy, "...give up my mission?" No, Zim. He really means that he wants you to go dancing in a bowling alley with a mongoose. Wait… where'd that come from?

"Would you?" the boy demanded.

Zim didn't reply immediately. He closed his eyes and remained quiet for a moment.

"I wouldn't be too happy about it," he sighed at length, "But yes, for you, Dib, I would."

Dib's glasses flashed excitedly, his mouth snapped open and the request coiled, ready to spring from the tip of his tongue.

"_However_!"

But the request had already sprung and, as a result, slammed to a stop at the back of Dib's teeth. Ouchie...

"However," Zim repeated, "That sort of request can _only_ be made, one spit-mate to another, and you have yet to full-fill your end of the ritual, meaning..."

Dib swallowed hard, the dead requests catching in his throat making the act more difficult than normal to perform. Was the world worth it? Was spending the rest of his life with Zim as his...mate, worth ensuring the safety of his planet? It might not be so bad. Zim would treat him well, he knew, and with a baby on the way, it would help cross one of greatest gaps in same gender relationships...

And of course, there were _other_ benefits he was coming to enjoy, and still others he had left to experience...

Dib blushed furiously at the wayward thoughts, and turned away so Zim wouldn't see.

"Do I have to answer now?" His voice was barely above a whisper.

Zim heard him though, "No," his own voice not much louder, "It doesn't have to be now," he began to fiddle awkwardly with his thumbs.

Dib nodded, hands unconsciously running over his belly again. He stopped when he realized what he was doing, and the fact gave him an idea, "The baby..."

"What?" Zim looked up at him worriedly, the boy's sudden mention of their human/Irken hybrid making him fear something was wrong with it.

"When it's born," Dib continued, "When the...shmeebee is born, I..."

He turned his eyes to meet the alien's, "I'll give you my answer then."

Zim nodded, and the two fell into a long awkward silence.

"Your soup's probably gotten cold," Zim said finally, "I'll go reheat it in the microwave for you..."

"Okay."

Zim picked up the soup and left, leaving Dib to himself and his thoughts.

Tuesday was going to come way too soon for him that week.

(End chapter 12!)

DarkTheda: Hey! It's over! And my popcorn just got done! Ah, well. Review or DarkTheda will send Monroe the giant kitty to your house to consume your brain meats. And then he'll go to the movies. Or something. I don't know, I'm hungry. (Starts eating her computer)

andalitebandit-6: But, you still have popcorn to eat! Stop eating your computer!

DarkTheda: Eh?

andalitebandit-6: (Sighs) Oh, what's the point? (Eats some popcorn)

This chapter was FINALLY made possible for publication because of Dark Theda, Capra Hircus and Celestial Star! Remember to tank them in your reviews, K?

Sullen Goldpaws Extrordinaire: Couldn't think of what to do with fruit snacks and glow sticks, though I did have fun trying!

demongirl12000: Never played Sims before, but if I ever do, I'll keep that piece of information in mind!

Urufu-No-Ookami-Youkai: (salutes back) I thank you for your pledge of loyalty, even though such promises are usually empty when it comes to the world of fan fiction, it still felt nice to hear/read it!

'Invader' Kri: Thanks!

Anime Obsessor YR: As you can see, I've gotten rid of the Kile and Tallest section (and I doubt it will be severely missed) but I appreciate your ideas neeways!

Moonlit Waters: I thought the hobo thing would get somebody! Glad you liked it!

juvi doom: Took my precious time! Can only hope it was worth it...meh!

iEATfood: Thankies!

imacriticwithnosqueedlyspooch: Thanks for your suggestions!

Death-Angel42: Thank ya!

Evilmewtwo: The monkey is still hoarding my creative juices. Maybe if I introduce him to my artist block monkey the two will fall in love and elope and leave me alone forever! Unless he's gay...then it might not work, and he'll just be pissed off at me for trying. That HORRIBLE monkey!

Chibi69: Hello Kitteh! I liked your signed reviews! They also left me feeling light and feathery inside! Then again, that might have been indigestion, but I like to think it was the happy kind!

Shadow fat: Mixed feelings are fun, neh? Don't think I'll be doing Red/Purple stuff though. They're fun, but I don't like them enough to put any serious effort into their relationship. Bleah! I think it's YOUR fault it took me this long to update! Gnawing on people's brain curds is not nice! Glad you think my babble is tasty though! For your devout (albeit disturbing) dedication to this fic, I give you pretty 'GO ZIM!' flags that I found while reading another ZADR fic! Enjoy!

Cindy-future navy girl sister: Hey, veenie! You ugly poo-poo head! How DARE you say my ficcy was _horrible_? Well, you said you liked it afterwards, so you're forgiven! Now run over to that pull up bar and do some chin-up! Come on, get going! One-two-one-two-one-two!

SingerOfDoom: Thanks for saying you like Dancing Queen better! It makes me happy when people say they like my firstborn brain child! It hasn't been getting much love lately. THANK YOU!

Hamato Kameko: Glad I could help you out with your finals! ZADR is chicken soup for the burnt out brain meats, doncha know?

Dibsocute: Hi, Crystal Robot! I thank you for all the lovely fan art, and I'm glad I could inspire in you the love of Pudgy Bellied Dibness!

Giselle: Yesh! Zim is to blame! Isn't he always?

Anukis-san: Glad we could work this out without bodily harm being done to my person! Hope you enjoyed the updatedness and will review again!

ShadowTheHedgehog92: I prefer juicy lemon scented ZADR to the funny kind, but that's just me. Thanks for the review!

Mystery Reviewer: I meet YET ANOTHER chapter 3 lover! I swear I'm going to...do something...HORRIBLE to that chapter...or something! Meh, I am honored to have been mysteriously reviewed! Thank you for both your reviews!

Frieza's girl: More recent? Did you see the date of when I last updated? Updated: 03-25-05. I don't know how you even FOUND this, but thanks neeways! The gun scared the monkey away, but when he realized it was really a chocolate gun, he stole it from me and ate it, and now he's back and flings chocolate poo at me. That HORRIBLE monkey!

Princess of Despair: Here is updatedness! I demand a reward! Something shiny...pweez?

emma: Humor is SO hard to do...then again so is everything else. Meh, you had a long wait, but I hope it was worth it!

MooseyDoom777: (sigh) at least SOMEONE actually read the alert page instead of thinking (oh, this isn't a real chapter) and skipping straight down to the review box to ask when I'm gonna update! I thank you for sparing me that head ache (bows)

Ryu Forte: I already responded to both your inquiries, and if you still plan on doing so, I can't wait to see what lovely fan art you come out with!

imacriticwithnosqueedlyspooch: Very much alive and yet brain dead. I try to make it think and it just sits there and mumbles "Need sleep." So I sleep. Bleah!

drowningsiren: Thanks for the complement! I WILL keep writing, just not very often...sowwy. And good luck with your turkeys!

kntnish: The mysterious mystery surrounding Dib's giving birth will be revealed eventually, but not now. For now, you must suffer the not-knowingness! Bwahaha!

Phoebe Telumetar: The best you say? Aww, you're such a sweetie! (glomps) Thanks!

Capra hircus: Long enough for ya? It should be! I was considering ending it at the first page break! But I made it longer for YOU! Be grateful! Bestow your gratefulness upon me by...drawing fan-art? (gets shot)...okay, so maybe all these reviews are getting to my head, but you draw so pretty and I loved the possesive Zim ZADR pic you drew! Meh, you leave long lovely reviews that show thoughtfulness of my stories, so you get points for that. THANK YOU!

animeninjaNIPPON: I thank thee thrice for reviewing so! ThankyouThankyouThankyou!

truthfulchaos: The Tallest and Kile have been acknowledged! They've been so neglected in review of late...thank you for remembering them!


	13. Oh, Irk! The KEEF!

Chapter 13: Oh Irk! The KEEF!

"It's bad enough I'll have to figure out a new explanation for my sudden bloatedness, since I'll be the only one in the entire school assigned a 'sympathy belly'!" Dib explained to a pouty Zim, "I don't need homophobic classmates adding to my misery!"

The two walked to school together (at Zim's insistence) but refrained from holding hands (at Dib's insistence).

"I won't let anyone touch you!" Zim promised. "But you don't have to put up with either! I told you I could call in sick for you with your father's voice using my sound wave trans-"

"And spend the entire week _alone_ with you? Fat chance, Zim!"

"You make that sound like a _bad_ thing!" Zim whined. "I thought you said you _liked_ my sandwiches..."

"Well, yeah, I do...but what does that have to do with-"

"HIYA, BUDDY!"

"WAAAHH!" Zim and Dib screamed, Zim jumping into Dib's arms, shaking as he stared wide eyed at-

"Oh, Irk! The _KEEF_!" Zim said his name as if he were riding on an oncoming swarm of evil death bees.

The bees dropped him off and flew away, the red-head cheerily waving them off before turning back to greet his 'buddies'. "Hey, Zim! Hi, Dib! I finally got out of the hospital from my having exploded with happiness at McMeaty's! The doctors gave me some pills to take, but I threw those away because they made me sad." He grinned an insane clown smile as his eyes became hooded and the sky turned dark with crashing lightning. "And I don't like being sad!"

Zim shrieked with fright at the lightning and dove for cover on the ground between Dib's legs, wrapping a shivering arm around each one and covering his eyes with his hands.

Zim was trembling so badly Dib lost his balance and fell flat on his butt on Zim's squeedly spooch. "Woo-aa-oh!"

"Oof!" said Zim, as the air was crushed out of him. His first instinct, however, was to check on Dib to make sure he was okay. He turned his head to ask him, and came face to crotch with the boy.

Dib flushed and snapped his knees together, which would have crushed Zim's nose if he'd had one, then slapped the alien's face away. "Pervert!"

Then Keef's face went back to normal and the clouds parted and the sun was shining upon the beautiful day. It was freaky.

"Anyway, I thought I'd come by Zim's house to see if you guys wanted to walk to school together, but Gir answered the door and said you'd gone to Dib's house. I didn't know your dog could talk, Zim! That's a neato trick! I'll bet you have the smartest dog in the whole wide world, huh?"

"Although...conversation...invigorating," Zim wheezed as he clawed at the sidewalk and popped out from under Dib, taking up a protective stance in front of the pregnant boy and displaying a dark green hand-mark on his cheek. "Dib and I _really_ must get going now! Stand aside, Keef-beast!"

"Here, Dib!" Keef said, somehow suddenly behind Zim, and extended a hand, "Let me help you up!"

"NOOOOO!" Zim tackled the red-head away from his mate, rolled and tossed him over a nearby fence with a 'Beware of Dog' sign on it. "Wheeeee! (thump) Hi there, Mr. Doggy!"

The frantic alien then scooped Dib up and ran with him all the way to school, leaving the sounds of angry growls, screams, and barking behind them.

"AAHH, Put me down!" Dib screamed as they neared the school building. "Put me down before they see us! Put-me-down-put-me-down-put-me-down, right now!"

Without responding to Dib's protests, Zim turned a step in his running and went around behind the building, activated his spider legs and leapt to the top.

Setting Dib down gently, he went to peek over the edge at the grounds below, swinging his line of sight left and right. Apparently satisfied, he strutted on his way back, a huge smile on his face.

Dib brushed himself off where Zim had touched him and narrowed his eyes angrily. "What was _that_ all about?"

"Remember?" Zim said as he approached, "You said you were worried about being attacked by your classmates! And I promised I wouldn't let anyone touch you."

"I don't think Keef was trying to hurt me, Zim."

"Your point is?"

Before Dib could open his mouth, someone answered for him.

"Aww, Zim's just being a little overprotective of ya, Dibby, seeing as how I helped make you guys bestest best buddies and all!"

Keef was standing right behind them, a little scratched up and dirty, but with a happy smile on his face.

"Zim's just such a great guy!" he said, "He knew that poor little puppy had a thorn in his paw, and wanted to help it! Don't worry buddy, I took care of it! It was kinda hard cuz I think he was hungry and kept trying to eat me, but he's okay now!" Keef finished that statement with tears of pride sparkling in his eyes.

While the red-head was lost in thought, the Irken grabbed the Dib and made a run for the stairs looking over his shoulder nervously.

"ZIM!" Dib cried out in warning, gaping ahead of him.

Zim turned to look forward again and skittered to a halt before Keef, who was standing at the top of the stairs. His smile grew wider as he noticed Zim was holding Dib's hand.

"Wow," Keef gushed. "I knew you guys were close friends, but I didn't know you were _THAT_ close!"

Dib took a step back. "What-"

"Gir also told me _why_ Zim was over at your house!" Keef said, smiling even broader and causing beads of cold sweat to form on Dib's forehead. Before he could deny anything, Keef piped up again.

"You guys had a sleep over party!"

It took Zim a few seconds to realize he'd been holding his breath. "Oh! Hehe. Yeah! Woo! What a party..."

Keef nodded, "I wish I'd been there! I'll bet you guys had pizza and popcorn and sodas and pretzels and watched movies and braided each others hair and stuff! But I know you would've invited me if I hadn't been strapped down to my hospital bed on life support. Oh, and thanks for trying to visit me, Zim," he said to the confused invader. "I know they had strict visitation rules. Even my parents weren't allowed to see me, but I saw you! You always had an acorn or some other present to give to me. I remember throwing some stuff to break the glass and let you in, but that always scared you away, and the repairmen never listened to me when I told them to leave the window open. The nurses said the window was 'upsetting' me and moved me to another room that didn't have any..."

The red-head's tone started becoming dark again, along with the sky, but he caught himself and was suddenly all smiles.

Zim stood there twitching while Dib tried desperately to free his hand from the alien's death grip and escape both of them. It was only the late bell going off that snapped the alien out of it. "That's great, Keef," Zim said as he pulled his mate along beside him around the red-head and down the stairs. "We'll send you a 'Get Well' card later."

"Aww! You guys are the best!" Keef said, as he skipped happily behind the pair.

He'd been blissfully silent up until reaching the ground floor, when he suddenly piped up, "So, what are you going to name the baby?"

Dib stopped trying to chew his own arm off; both he and Zim spun to face the redhead.

"_WHAT?"_ they yelled.

Keef pointed to Dib's belly, "The baby. Have you guys picked out a name yet? Do you know if it's gonna be a girl or a boy?"

Dib cleared his throat and tried to cover his shock. "W-what are you talking about? I, er...just overate a little, that's all!"

"Because you're pregnant," Keef insisted, "Gir told me."

"But GIR's just a dog! He doesn't know what he's talking about!"

"But he's a _smart_ dog!"

"GIR's insane!" Zim cut in. "And so are you for listening to his nonsensical ramblings! He makes noises that only SOUND like human speech! Zim now declares this conversation officially over! Class awaits us!"

Keef wasn't convinced, but he followed his friends into the classroom, took his tardy slip from the growling Ms. Bitters and sat down in his seat. He turned the slip over and started writing something on it.

Zim and Dib quickly settled into their respective assigned seating before anyone could notice anything was different about them and got ready to ignore the day's lesson. It was something new today. They would be ignoring about _gloom_!

Zim's eyes had just started twitching in the beginning stages of REM sleep, when his superior cranium was attacked by flying debris! He snapped awake and instinctively looked towards Dib. But it couldn't have been him, because his mate had already gone beyond REM and was drooling adorably onto his desk. Besides, it hadn't come from his direction...

Zim tore his gaze from the endearing sight and looked at the other side of the classroom to find the Keef smiling eagerly at him and making insane pointing motions to the piece of paper balled up on Zim's desk.

"Keef!" gloomed Ms. Bitters. "You're looking too happy! Did you remember to take your pills today?"

Keef looked up at the teacher and tried his best to turn his smile into a frown, which only resulted in his face having a spasmodic episode.

"Yes, Ms. B-B-Bitters! I'm perfectly fi-fi-miserable this morning! And yaouou?"

She narrowed an eye at the boy suspiciously. "Hmm, at least you're not smiling anymore...but from now on I want to personally witness you taking your medication every morning before class starts!"

"Yes, Ma-Ma-Ma'am!"

She stared at him a little longer then turned back around to the chalkboard and continued her gloomy lesson.

Zim looked down at the paper and mimicked the teacher's suspicious glare. It was Keef's tardy slip. He flipped it over and written in fancy handwriting was a single question.

"Are you and Dib married yet?  
-signed, your buddy, Keef"

Zim growled and took out a pencil from his PAK, hastily scribbled his answer and flung it back at the red-headed boy.

In his haste, Zim had forgotten to keep the pencil, and the note was nailed to Keef's face, kept in place by the writing utensil lodged in his hair.

Under his neat curvy letters was a squiggly and barely legible "No, we are not. Not that it's any of your business, filthy human!"

It wasn't signed and it made Keef very upset. Distant thunder could be heard outside, even though it was a clear day with no clouds. Zim and Dib were having a child out of wedlock?

He looked over to find Zim staring sadly at sleeping Dib, whose growing puddle of drool was now dripping onto the floor, causing a girl who was walking up to sharpen her pencil to slip and fall; her cry of pain earning her a week's detention for interrupting class.

_Well, that won't do at all! _Keef thought to himself, a nutty plot hatching in his squirrelly brain. He couldn't stand to see one of his bestest best buddies looking so sad! He'd just have to help them, like any friend would do, and they'd be so happy with him they might even let him live in their new house and be the nanny of their baby when it was born!

Such happiness these thoughts brought the red-head that he began to shake and twitch violently almost to the point of bursting again. Luckily, he wasn't covered in happy goo this time, or he might have. As it was, he continued to shake and spaz until lunch bell rang.

Like a contestant at the Kentucky Derby, he was off like a shot, racing down the halls to begin the carrying out of his plan.

He had a few phone calls to make.

(End Chapter 13)

'Invader' Kri: I think you're the first person I've that's ever remembered to thank those others besides myself for their contributions. Yay!

Anukis-san: Nope. All the alienxhuman action was done in chapter 3...that HORRIBLE chapter!

truthfulchaos: You think the baby might have antennae? I'll let you keep thinking that!

demongirl12000: I thank you for loaning Gaz the starfish! It was put to good use, it was!

Ryu Forte: Short chapters are good! Gives me a chance to make many, many cliff hangers! And those are so fun!

ShadowsGirlShade: Yes, Gaz was recently initiated to a new breed of Starfish Ninjas! Beware!

Capra hircus: (glomps) Thanks for your ever awesome betaingness!

animeninjaNIPPON: Thank you for remembering to thank!

Tailfeather:The ZADRonly makes sense here because Zim's gone crazy. CRAZY IN LURVE! But will he stay that way? Oo;

Chibi69: I don't think the monkey's contagious...he's just got lots of cousins!

piggies: Yes, watching Dib suffer is always funny, ain't it? Bwahaha!

Shadow Fat: Sugar rush is good! You ever try Mountain Dew with pixy stix mixed in? BAM! Hehehe

River rain: Yay for rock cookies!

SingerOfDoom:I equate reviews with love, and DQ wasn't getting many of those... Ah well.

Kitty Harasser: I was a woman last time I checked, but who knows? I might've gotten drunk and had a sex change I'm not aware of...and I think you meant to threaten that if I didnt' UPDATE your cat would go psycho on me. Because really, reviewing is YOUR job! So do it! DO IT NOW!

Invader Aqua: Thanks for the help!

Cool: Because it's too cute to be 'T' rating! But I might change it later if more people complain

This is good: Aww, I want a kitty on my lap too! And I will! Soon! I'm gonna squeeze him and hug him and call him Jake!

WolfSapphire200: I wonder what everything in between cute and funny is? Oo;

Black Oni Dragon: Yes, I loved my first chapter as well! I don't like any of the others. But you people seem to, so...meh!


	14. Pickle Tempura Day!

Chapter 14: Pickle Tempura Day

Dib was reluctant to leave the relative safety and cover his desk provided; but when Zim (who refused to leave without him) started looking too delicious, he knew he had no choice. With a promise from the alien that he'd keep his distance, they set out into the halls.

Dib was wearing his usual blue and gray T-shirt (which had stretched out along with him), trench-coat, and a pair of black sweatpants, the only pants in his entire house that fit him. None of which was able to hide his pudginess. He walked quickly, pretending he didn't see the eyes staring at him, didn't hear the girls giggling as he passed, or the snickers from the other boys. In fact, he soon stopped noticing them altogether as he stepped into the cafeteria and a certain odor wafted into his nose.

Today was pickle tempura day.

The nauseating smell that had already felled several green faced victims, had Dib drooling with desire.

Forgetting his predicament, he cut to the front of the lunch line and slammed his tray on the counter, demanding to be served the puree goodness!

Just as the bubbling concoction was about to be poured into his many bowls, Dib felt someone tap him on the shoulder. He turned around to face Zita, whom he'd cut in front of.

"End of the line, fat boy!" she said, side-bumping him away. "I was here first!"

Dib snarled and belly bumped her backwards into the line so that they all fell like dominoes. "Oh yeah? Well I was hungry first!"

"Jerk!" she jumped up and shoved him. "What's your problem? You _pregnant_ or something, _freak_?"

Dib answered with a wave of that morning's breakfast, covering the competition with a nice thick coat from head to toe.

"AAUUGGHH! IT BURNS!"

Zita fled in a panic; blindly running over things and people until she eventually knocked herself out by a wall.

The janitor came and went, taking with him Dib's mess in a mop bucket and the unconscious girl by one of her legs, and the entire time the room was silent with staring-at-Dib's-big-bellyness.

One child finally broke the silence. "_Are_ you pregnant, Dib?"

"Sure I am," said Dib, still ticked and feeling sick. "And you wanna know WHY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY! A certain impulsive extraterrestrial, who shall remain nameless, broke into my room a few nights ago and knocked me up with his horrible spit-mating ritual! I have a freakin' ALIEN growing inside me now! You hear me? An _alien_! I hope I give birth to it during class so you morons can see it! If it's hungry when it comes out I'll just sit back and watch as it goes on a feeding frenzy and eats all of you! Try calling me crazy _then_, eh? Try telling me aliens don't exist while one of them's sitting on your stomach and tearing your useless organs out! I dare you!"

He sneered and crossed his arms over his protruding middle, "Any other stupid questions?"

The entire room became silent again, as they all stared incredulously at him.

"You're crazy!" someone called out: Gaz in fact. Others started nodding their agreement, some rolling their eyes. Then they all ignored him and went back to whatever it was they'd been doing.

Zim had sat down with his empty tray in front of him at a table across the mess hall and was watching over his beloved from afar. What nonsense was his mate talking about? He knew Irkens couldn't eat meat! Although they DID teethe pretty badly and liked to bite things…and occasionally people. Maybe he should start looking for a chew toy for their hybrid? Something yielding yet impenetrable. Those 'sausages' the cafeteria served came to mind.

Dib walked over to the table where his sister sat playing her Game Slave, setting down his tray with six bowls of pickly tempuraness next to her.

"Thanks for the _help_ Gaz!" he whispered sarcastically.

She grunted in reply.

The rest of lunch went by without incident, and Zim waited a little after Dib and his sister had stepped out before following after him.

But he wasn't the only one.

The first thing he noticed after spotting his mate a ways ahead of him, was that he had two chattering females on his heels.

"Are you _really_ pregnant?" the one with blue hair asked.

"NO!" Dib replied, trying in vain to catch up to his sister who'd left him behind. "Leave me alone!"

"Are you sure?" asked the other girl. She had bleached blond hair and blue streaked bangs. "You said you were."

"Because I knew no _sane_ person would believe me! Who are you two anyway? Do I even _know_ you?"

"My name's Crystal," said the blue-haired girl. "That's Sami, my sister."

She pointed to the blond.

"That's nice," Dib said flatly. "Listen, can you girls make fun of me later? I have to get back to class now."

"We're not making fun of you!" the one named Sami said.

"Yeah!" Crystal chimed in. "Actually, we think you look pretty cute with that pudgy belly!"

She playfully poked his pudge to prove it.

Dib smacked her hand away. "Don't TOUCH me, filthy human!"

Crystal backed up and held her scolded hand to her chest. "Um…"

"He's normal!" said a voice from behind, and all three turned to look at Zim. "He, err…just isn't feeling well this morning…Excuse us!"

The alien grabbed him "Hey! Leggo!" and rushed into the nearest restroom. Once they were both inside, Zim turned and kicked the door stopper in place, giving it a few extra kicks for good measure, then turned to check on Dib.

The boy was sitting in the middle of the floor and crying his eyes out. "I should've stayed home today!" he sobbed. "I should've killed this nightmare inside me instead of (hic) instead of letting you talk me into letting it live! (hic) I should've boarded up my windows and barricaded the door that day you started acting weird! I HATE YOU, ZIM! You and Gaz and the school and EVERYBODY! …And my head IS NOT big! It's not! Gaz's head is bigger…"

Zim went and knelt by his mate's side. "Of course your head's not big, Dib love," Zim whispered, nuzzling him gently. "It's the perfect size! I like it just the way it is!"

Dib flinched away. "Stop trying to be so nice to me!"

He glared at Zim with angry tear streaked cheeks, "Didn't you just hear me say that I HATE you? And it's not the first time I've said it, either!" He clenched his teeth and balled his hands into tight fists, trembling with barely contained emotion. "Ever since you landed here I haven't had a chance to have a life of my own because YOU were always in the way! I had to constantly chase you around like a babysitter to make sure you didn't blow us up or have us all put in chains! And now THIS! Why don't you just leave? Just go back to whatever lizard planet you came from! You're not doing anybody any good here! Go ruin someone else's life!"

Dib's words echoed in Zim's mind along with all the other mean and hurtful things he'd forced himself to ignore and buried under his hope. His hope that, given time, the human would come to see what a great guy Zim really was and learn to love him…or at least like him… just a little. He'd never had difficulty ignoring problems before. He'd never felt so helpless… not when his first assignment had ended in banishment; or when his 'advanced' SIR unit used his fuel tanks to store tuna and left them stranded, or whenever his mission suffered yet _another_ setback. Now the only person he'd ever loved besides himself was his worst enemy and it seemed nothing he said or did would change that fact. Zim knew something was wrong with him. He knew he was supposed to hate all humans and that invaders needed no one. But, even though he didn't understand his motives, more than anything he wanted Dib to be happy. And if Zim stood in the way of that happiness…

"I'm sorry, Dib," Zim said quietly, not looking at him. "I'm sorry my being with you makes you miserable…I'll leave you alone, if that's what you want…but--"

He swallowed thickly before he continued, "Before I go…will you smile for me? Just once? You'll be glad after I'm gone, right? I want my last memory with you to be that I made you happy…just once."

But Dib wouldn't smile. He wouldn't even look at him. His gaze was set, looking to the clenched fist he held at his right side.

_…I guess not _

Zim's limbs felt like lead as he started to get up, when—

"Wait!"

A pair of arms flung themselves around the surprised Irken's neck and pulled him down into a crushing embrace.

"Don't leave me, Zim," Dib pleaded into his wig. "Please don't leave..."

Zim kept perfectly still, fearing to move lest he break whatever magic spell had fallen over the human.

"I lied," said Dib. "You didn't ruin my life. I knew what I believed in was shunned by closed-minded society. I knew accepting the world of the paranormal meant I'd be branded in the world of _real science…_But I couldn't give it up. I wanted to bring the two worlds together. I tried to get them to co-exist. And every time they clashed. And every time I got hurt. And every time I got ridiculed for it. Then you came along…

In the beginning, you were my salvation. You were my proof. My missing link. Until I found out you were invisible. No one else but me could see you for what you were. And it wasn't for my lack of effort to expose you, but because people chose to turn a blind eye to you. They didn't _want_ to see you. They didn't care. I was back at square one…then you became my excuse…

Everything wrong in my life that had previously been my own fault could now be blamed on _you_. I could stop hating myself and started hating you instead. And it felt righteous to hate you because, in my mind, you were evil. So I couldn't stop trying to expose you. I couldn't stop hating you, because if I did, it would be like I was giving up. Like I was admitting you didn't exist. That aliens didn't exist… So when you started acting weird, telling me you loved me and doing all these nice things for me, I didn't know what to do. I was…afraid to stop hating you. Although I didn't want to admit it, these past few days together have been rather…enjoyable, for the most part. I liked knowing someone worried about me. For better or worse, Zim, you're all I have that matters."

He took a shuddering breath and continued. "Sometimes…sometimes I feel like…like I'm an alien too, you know? That I don't belong to this world. That I don't belong with these people. I know I'm not 'normal' like they are, but… _you_ know I'm not crazy… right?"

It broke Zim's heart to hear Dib's voice crack at the end . He nodded, not being able to stand keeping still with his mate so close and needing him any longer, "I know."

He slid his arms above Dib's middle and nuzzled his cheek. "I know you're not crazy, Dib-love," Zim told him. "There's nothing wrong with you for refusing to be ignorant. You're a wonderful, perfectly normal human boy."

Zim suddenly wondered if that had been their problem. That the reason they could never share common ground before was because they'd been so obsessed in scrutinizing each other's differences. And Zim was trying so hard to be normal, even if it was part of a plan for world conquest, so he added, "…Just like me!"

Dib pulled back and looked into his eyes. Was Zim making fun of him? But his eyes weren't mocking. They were warm and sincere and…and beautiful. Exactly like that first day…

"…Hehe, yeah." Dib could still hear that familiar paranoia inside warning him that Zim was evil and an alien and a guy, but so what? He was nicer to Dib than any of his own people were. He tried to look deeper into Zim's eyes; past the purple contacts that made him human; past the redness that made him alien, and into the soul that mirrored Dib's own. "I'm just like you…"

And then the most amazing thing happened.

Dib kissed him.

It was a little thing, but it'd been freely given. There was no having to trade anything for it, no having to beg, and it caught Zim completely by surprise.

Before he could even _think_ about kissing him back, Dib pulled away and gave Zim another gift: a smile.

"Thank you , Zim," he said. "Thank you …for caring."

Ah, yes, thought Dib. His condition was finally getting to him. He'd just poured his heart out to his sworn nemesis, kissed him, was pregnant with his smeet, and feeling happy about it! It was only a matter of time before he started wearing frilly aprons and calling him 'honey bunch'. Strangely, the thought made him hungry. But that could wait.

He smiled into Zim's eyes, "Help me up?"

Zim's brain was still processing the fact that Dib had kissed him, had smiled at him, was pleased with him, and couldn't make himself react right away. Eventually, the words got through and he stood up, then helped Dib to his feet.

"Thank you," Dib said again, still smiling. "So, we're friends now?"

Zim nodded mutely, still too in awe of Dib's voluntary show of affection to remember how to speak.

"Good!"

Zim was then yanked by his shirt collar into another kiss with Dib holding him sideways so his largeness wouldn't get in the way.

Warm blood was finally reaching the Irken's extremities, letting him wrap his arms around the moment he thought he'd never get to experience just a few moments ago. Soon his eyes were closed, his lips were parted and he was inviting Dib's tongue into his mouth, starved for the taste of him. Dib took the invitation and made himself quite at home there.

(Knock-knock) "Hello?" came the concerned sound of Crystal's voice. "You two have been in there for a long time! Is everything okay?"

The pair broke off their kiss and stared confusedly at the door, as if having forgotten that other people besides them still existed.

Dib shrugged, "Let's ignore them."

He snatched Zim's mouth back and the Irken was only too happy to oblige him.

(Knock-knock-KNOCK) "HEY!" called Sami. "Are you guys okay? Is anyone hurt? We're gonna call the janitor to come open the door!"

Reluctantly, Zim pulled away and looked into his mate's disappointed eyes. "I think I'd better go get that."

"I suppose," Dib's eyes turned mischievous. "We could always pick up where we left off later…"

It took a nearly Herculean effort to pry himself away, but Zim made it to the door and opened it to find Crystal and Sami standing in the doorway waiting for them.

"WHAT?" Zim snapped at them. "What are you still doing here? Don't you filthy females have a class to go to?"

Sami pointed to the sign on the door. "You're in the 'Girls' Restroom."

Zim looked at the little stick figure wearing a triangle. It looked kind of like him in his uniform without antennae. He looked back at them. "You lie!"

Crystal stepped forward sheepishly, "We also wanted to apologize!"

She saw Dib's head looking at her over Zim's shoulder and directed her next words to him. "I'm sorry your widdle baby got pokey woked!"

Dib frowned, swinging back into PMSing- mode. " I _told _you, I'm NOT--"

"Apology accepted!" Zim said hastily and shooed them off with a wave of his claws. "The Dib forgives you! Now be gone! Scat!"

"Can we touch it?" Sami asked, coming up behind her sister. "I wanna feel the baby kick! And we promise to be careful!"

"NO!" Zim and Dib said together.

"Pweeeeese?" the girls asked, making large goo-goo eyes at them.

Before the boys could answer, the end of lunch bell rang and they were lost to sight amid the river of bodies racing down the halls in both directions.

"Let's go, Dib!"

Zim grabbed him and dived into the stream where they were washed away in the flow.

Sami and Crystal watched the green guy and the cute-bellied boy disappear.

"I wanted to feel it," Sami pouted.

"Me too," sighed Crystal.

They were silent for a bit and then suddenly—

"QUICK!" Crystal yelled. "To the escape pods!"

She grabbed her sister and threw her into a pod in the janitor's closet.

"What are you DOING?" Sami demanded.

"It's the only way!"

"For what?"

But Crystal didn't answer her. She jumped in and closed the door to the pod, then they were off!

"I regret nothing!" Crystal yelled, and they were never heard from again!

…Meanwhile, the boys had just ridden all the way back to their classroom, Zim managing to halt their ride by just barely catching the end of the doorframe.

He was about to open the door when it did so by itself and Keef greeted them with a huge creepy smile.

"Hey, guys!" he said. "I was just about to go look for you! Class is about to start, and you're not gonna wanna miss this!"

The scary boy finished with a conspiratorial wink and held the door open for them to come in.

Zim and Dib exchanged brief glances before reluctantly stepping inside. Keef checked to make sure no one else was coming and closed the door behind them, sealing our heroes to their moosey fate!

(End Chapter 14! Thank the Goat for it's publication!)

SingerOfDoom: There's still a while before d-day! Somewhere along chapter 20 I'm thinking, butit might happenbefore then...

animeninjaNIPPON: Nobody seems to care about the Red/Purple/Kyle section, just the Zim/Dibness, so I figured why continue bothering with it?

Tailfeather: It's a possibility. I haven't written the story that far along yet, so we'll see!

demongirl12000: Sadly, I have no Happy Goo handy, so you'll just have to suffer the Keef a little longer!

Capra hircus: Reviews are tasty! Thank ya muchness! And of course, you'll be the first to know how the actual 'birthing' process goes!

Kayu Silver: Come out of lurkdom, have you? It won't last...but thanks for the reviewingness anyway!

blu sanada: Thanks for reading at least the first 2 chapters! Glad you were entertained!

Anukis-san: I love 'overprotective' Zim, don't we all? He's just so cute when he's jealous like that!

WolfSapphire200: Like...yeah! Okay!

Black Oni Dragon: I have brought unlimited joy to the heart of a Black Oni Dragon! I'd like to say my work here is done, but then I wouldn't update and you'd probably roast my hide wouldn't you? (sigh)

Ryu Forte: How DARE you steal from ME? After all I've done for you! Ungrateful worm! I curse you now! "Moo-moo-moo! I am voo-doo cursing you!" You get brownie points if you know where I got that line from!

hectorvondrax: I wanna meet Jhonen! (big sad puppy eyes) But I wouldn't know what to do if I did...what could you say to such a god? Especially one who claims to hate his fans...ah well, I will worship him from afar, although if he knew that I wrote this, he would send many painful bolts of pain to smite me for my blasphemy!

XxlonleysoulxX: You were lost because you haven't read the unaired episode in which said events happened to the Keef! You can find it and others here: www. thescarymonkeyshow. com (just remember to delete the spacesI added after 'www' and 'com') It's called 'The Return of Keef'!

Princess of Despair: Yes, yes, I hated it too. WHY did it have to be Keef? Why couldn't I have thought of some other trials to bring these two together? WHY?

Lily of the Shadow: Ah, what has been lost has now been found! Congrats!

DarkShadow1818: I didn't know they had internet at bars...or you brought your laptop maybe? No, no more Kile. I think he'd appreciate that, as all I do is abuse him when he's mentioned anyway...haven't seen 'Tremors 2" but I'm guessing it's like a C-section?

chickens: Glad you likes! Hope you like this chapter too!

Sloss: shakes leg AHHH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!

Circusfreak92: I NEVER update my Smeets 'soon' You're better off saying 'soonish'!

Nny11: Wow...I'm flattered you thought my fic out loud reading material! Glad your mom liked it too!

ShadowsGirlShade: No, Keef's not a demon thing...he's just really weird now! More so than usual!

three really bored people: Hi, Megan! I'd like to finish it soon, but the story line isn't lending itself to do so just yet...

truthfulchaos: Yes, creepy Keef disturbs us all...which is what makes him so fun to use!

The One What Squeaks: Hooray for happy twitches!

Ya#Fanny: Isn't loyal Zim just adorable? Makes you wanna explode with the sweetness! BOOM!

Evilmewtwo: The monkey was FINALLY distracted long enough for me to get this out! And yeah, missing out on all those unaired eps is sad...thank goodness for fanartists!

hannahjap: Next day service! Hope you likes!


	15. Surprise Ending!

Chapter 15: Surprise Ending!

(A/N: Hey, guys! Sorry for the wait, but could you guys give me a hand with something? I heard there's a club on Gaia that's dedicated to my fanfiction! If anyone knows anything about this, would you let me know? I'm DYING of curiosity to see what it's all about!)

After everyone had once again taken their seats, Ms. Bitters made an annoyed hissing sound and addressed them.

"I was going to teach you doomed children about the dangers of breathing, but _thissss_" she held a piece of paper delicately by the tip of a corner as if it were covered in hideous happy goo. "This memorandum from the principal was handed to me a few minutes ago, saying that the department of education was called to recognize how underappreciated women's roles as mothers are."

She slithered over to the closet by the door. "And _these_ were delivered during lunch."

She opened the door and out poured an avalanche of what looked very much like the front of a sumo wrestler costume.

"I am to have you pair off, and these 'sympathy bellies' will be worn by the male in that pair." Now she felt pleased at the looks of horror that statement elicited. All except for smiling Keef...something was really wrong with that boy. "I realise we have a bit more males than females in the class, but that doesn't matter. _Everyone_ will participate. Those of you who end up in same gender pairs can figure things out between yourselves. The choosing begins..._now_!"

Then the males all threw themselves at the nearest female, latching on to whatever little pride it would save them and left the boys farthest, who hadn't caught one, looking dreadfully at their only alternatives--each other.

Zim, of course, was not among these. _He_ had instantly attached himself to Dib. The alien sat on top of the back of the human's chair and had his limbs wrapped possessively around his mate. He snarled menacingly at any who ventured too near; much like a rabid, gravel-eating, assassin monkey. Dib growled back at him; a soft, hungry growl...how long before dinner time?

Anyway, it was obvious that the boys weren't going to choose partners anytime soon, so Ms. Bitters had to do it for them.

"Now that that's over," she pointed at the mess originating from the closet. "One person from each team come and put one of these on...those of you already too fat to fit in your own seats can strap them to your heads!"

She looked at Dib as she said this, and the boy looked up from chewing his pencil at her.

"Um...I'm already wearing one, Ms. Bitters!" Dib said. "I, er...made it myself!"

The alien cleared its throat.

"...With some help from Zim," he amended.

Zim beamed.

After the rest of the class had been outfitted, Ms. Bitters continued. "The mock ceremonies will be conducted tomorrow morning. I will be calling in sick and hiring a substitute to replace me for the next 3 days, which is how long this exercise will last. This will count for a ridiculously large portion of your grade. Those of you who aspire to advance to the next grade level and actually attend those days are still doomed, but at least you can put that you graduated middle school on your resumes."

The end of the day bell rang and the class plodded defeatedly out the door.

Zim (who was still clinging to his mate) and Dib watched as preggy Keef winked and gave them a thumbs up as he passed, his arm interlocking with Fish-boy's!

They stared at him until he was out the door. Ms. Bitters then hissed and made a rattlesnake noise at them and they fled too.

On the sidewalk on the way home, Dib turned to Zim. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"That that woman can't possibly be human and the Keef's responsible for today's lesson?"

"The second one...but the first one's probably true, too." Dib started going through a mental list of all the possible paranormal categories Ms. Bitters might fit into but stopped himself before he got too far off his original train of thought. "So, how should we deal with this?"

"Eh?" asked Zim. Did his mate mean the scary school teacher or the Keef-beast? "What's wrong?"

"I'm not sure what Keef hopes to accomplish by pulling a stunt like this, but he needs to be stopped. Ever since he came back from the hospital he's been just...creepy. More than usual, I mean. He seems to have acquired some supernatural powers of creepiness. I have a steak and some garlic at home we could use."

Zim frowned, "What makes you think he's a vampire?"

"I don't. I'm hungry. We'll eat first and then go to his house later. Talk to him a bit, try to reason with him. If that doesn't work, do you have any extra happy goo we can give him? Then we could let him watch us make-out until he explodes!" (in his pants!) XD

Zim did a double take on his mate, "We COULD?"

Dib shook his head and gave a little laugh, "Hehe...That was a joke, Zim! I'm kidding!"

"Oh..."

They walked a little ways in silence when Zim piped up again.

"Hey, Dib?"

"Yes?"

"Um...about what happened back there...in the restroom..."

Zim tugged nervously at his collar. He was feeling suddenly warm. "Err, anyway, does this mean that... have you decided... will you...?"

Dib watched him stumble over his words curiously. When it dawned on him what Zim was trying to say, his cheeks acquired a pink tinge and shied his eyes away.

"Are you asking me..." Dib said softly. "If I've decided to become your spit-mate?"

Zim nodded, speaking just as softly, "Yes."

Dib didn't respond right away. He lapsed back into silence and refused to look at him.

Zim wondered if he'd just blown everything he'd worked so hard to earn from Dib by pressing matters. But it had seemed like such a sure thing...

It wasn't until they had arrived on the bottom of the stairs to Dib's house that the human finally spoke.

"I don't know... Don't get me wrong!" He added hastily, seeing Zim's crest-fallen look. "I _do_ like you, Zim...I like you a lot."

"But...?"

Dib sighed and ran a hand through his hair, "It's a life-time commitment, you know? I mean, we haven't even made it to high-school yet! It might seem like a good idea _now_, but what if something happens later on down the line that changes that? I mean, the main reason we're doing this is for the shmeeby, right?"

"That's part of it," Zim agreed. "But I also want to do this because I love _you_..."

"That's another thing...the computer said your 'love' was a malfunction of your PAK, right? What if something or someone 'fixes' it? What then?"

"I told you... no matter what, after the ritual is completed by both of us, it can't be broken. I'll be bound to keep my promise to give up trying to take over your planet if you ask it of me. Wasn't that _your_ main reason for considering this?"

"True. Then the world will be safe and you'll hate me forever because of it. You see? It's a lot to think about...and you agreed to wait until _after_ the baby was born to make me decide, remember? I just want to make absolutely sure I know what I'm getting myself into, that's all."

Zim wasn't happy, but he nodded.

He was just about to open the door when it opened of its own accord and the pair was met by a breath-taking sight.

"SURPRISE!" Keef yelled.

(End Chapter 15)

Get it? 'Surprise' ending? AHAHAHAHA...hehe...bleh.

Another update! Hope you like it cuz I'll most likely be going on hiatus again after posting this. College and stuff, ya know?

Lily of the Shadow: Belly feeling is BAD! Don't you see it hurts him? CAN'T YOU FEEL HIS PAIN?

animeninjaNIPPON: Thanks for the fave, and for liking Dib's confession! I've very proud of it!

Black Oni Dragon: I am a joy bringer! Yay!

Ryu Forte: Back to short chapters! Huzzah!

demongirl12000: Other than in other people's galleries, I've never watched FOP, so if some elements of that show presented themselves here, it was entirely unintentional.

Sideshow Sullen: And here's some everyone goes preggy fun! WOO!

Evilmewtwo: Yes, the birthing...always with you people and the birthing! Oh, you'll get your birthing all right! Then you'll be sorry you asked for it! YOU'LL ALL BE SORRY! Mwahahahaahahha...

Chess 77: Hey! Didn't I fave one of your stories? Your name looks familiar...

Princess of Despair: Laughter is good, yes? Not many fics can make me laugh out loud, so I'm flattered that I could get that reaction from someone else!

Sphinx the Cat: There's maybe one or two other Preggy Dibbers stories out there. A friend of mine wrote a type of spoof from this story with Preggy Dib in it. You can find the links to each chapter on my profile page. She posted them on Deviantart

Capra hircus: Hi, beta! Thanks for the awesome work!

ShadowsGirlShade: Then it's agreed! Keef's an official demon child! And he shall drive the school bus to hell! ;D

drowningsiren: Yeah, a DA friend of mine did a spoof of Smeets and I thought I'd let her and her fanchar do a cameo in my fic. "I regret nothing!" is her own invention. I WAS going to make it a baby shower, but said friend begged me not to. I probably wouldn't have anyway since I'd have to change the entire story from 15 on, and I'm too lazy.

Nny11: Pork is bad. Squeely filthies! I say this because my sister is also insane, and she likes bacon.

Bee Bop: It's not in Keef's sleeve that he's hiding his surprise! You'll see!

Tailfeather: And yet another chapter! Is this all I live for? Updating? MY LIFE IS ABSURD! (explodes)

pit bears rock: (reforms self) I'm okay...xp Anyway, glad you like the story thus far! Thanks for the reviewingness of many chapters!

truthfulchaos: I have no idea why I made him say "You lie!" about the bathroom sign. It was something random I decided to throw in. Glad you likes!

TezzWoods: Welcome to the ZADR! Hope you find more you like! There's a C2 community here on fanfiction that's dedicated solely to collecting ZADRs, so give it a look sometime (End shameless plug)

Ebola Spider: Sadly, your link didn't show up. Fanfiction automatically erases anything resembling a link from both stories and reviews. You can e-mail them to me if you like though! The link was for english something or other?

Penname wa Silver B: ...You reviewed EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER! I LURVE YOU! Thanks:D

SingerOfDoom: I don't remember what you said in your previous to last review either. "I regret nothing" is entirely of Crystal-san's invention. Hooray for cameos!

Circus freak92-I AM GIR: Have updated! OO

Ruby Love: I've left you practically speechless! Either you love it or you hate it!...or it was so pointless and confusing you have no idea what to think of it...ambiguity rocks!

Invader Aqua: Didn't update due to college and laziness. Probably won't update after this one too soon either. BUT I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP ON IT! THE SHOW WILL GO ON! Eventually...

senachan141: Another preggy Dib fan? Crystal-san would like you!

blah: I like disturbing! It lets me keep stretching my gross out limit bar so that I'm hardly disturbed by anything anymore.

Kitty Harasser: Like, I am SO sorry, but the only joints I use are the ones in my knees and elbows. Nor should you be ashamed of your sexual preferences! I fully support anyone's right to have sex with anything that can legally give consent! I'm assuming 'Meow' can be left open to interpretation XD

Techno Doofus: Thanks for your ideas in your e-mail! Glad to know I haven't been forgotten and that people still care!


	16. Ceremonyof DOOM!

Chapter 16: The Ceremony...of DOOM!

"SURPRISE!" Keef yelled.

Keef was dressed in a sun-shiny yellow tuxedo (tailored to fit over his sympathy belly) with a ruffled undershirt, his rooster-ish Mohawk bobbing side to side in greeting.

While this alone startled the two boys, it was not their main focus. Behind Keef was Dib's former living room, somehow transformed into a chapel. Their classmates filled up almost every available space, leaving a narrow isle that ran down the middle towards an altar at the far end, an old man standing bewilderedly behind it and Gaz standing on the far right of it, ignoring everyone and playing her Game Slave.

"...What-" began a flabbergasted Dib.

"I made you guys a surprise wedding!" proclaimed the red-head proudly. "Gir and I baked a wedding cake and we painted one of the little tuxedo figures' face green to look like Zim! I invited all the kids at school (the bored students were sleeping, drooling and counting the corns on each others toes), got an organ player (A masked person tapped a key from their crouched position over the instrument like a phantom of the opera) and even found a priest!"

"But I'm just a janitor," the old man behind the altar said puzzled.

"But you carry around a little pocket Bible at school and you read from it every time you go to clean the 3rd stall in the boys' room."

"That's true," the janitor admitted.

"Then you're close enough!"

The old man seemed like he wanted to continue protesting, but instead just shrugged and took out his Bible, opening it up to a random page and waiting patiently for his cue.

Before the human/irken pair could escape, Keef seized their arms and pulled them inside.

"Of course I knew you'd want me as Best Man," Keef continued, "Gaz is the maid of honor and Gir wanted to be the flower dog!"

As if on cue, a sudden poof of white exploded before them. When the dust cleared and they finished coughing they found a familiar looking ghostly dog standing there, dressed a tutu and carrying an open bag of flour.

"GIR?" Zim and Dib said.

The dog-ghost waved at them. "HI!"

There then came a loud explosion from the basement and Professor Membrane stepped out, looking exhausted and sooty but pleased with himself.

"I've finished making the punch!" he proclaimed, but then switched his gaze upon seeing his son. "Oh, I see you've finally arrived!"

The professor dusted himself off and strode over to Dib, wrapping his son in a rare hug.

"D-Dad?" Dib said, his shock at the 'surprise wedding' over-ridden by his father's even more shocking display of affection.

His father pushed Dib back and held him at arms length, his goggles shining with pride.

"Your friend Keef here has informed me of everything," he said nodding in the red-head's general direction. "We did this sort of thing in Home Economics when I was a boy, too. We held the 'ceremonies' in the classroom, but I thought it was a fine idea when he asked to have it here. I realize I hardly take an active part in your school life, Son, and decided to make an effort this time! I had to cancel a meeting with the president but that can be rescheduled, whereas this might be the only chance I'll ever get of watching one of my children getting married!"

Behind him on the altar, Gaz "tch"ed.

Membrane then looked over at Zim and nodded to him. "We had a shortage and ended up having to pair same genders together too, so don't worry, I understand."

"Yay!" said Keef, "Everything's ready! Let's get started!"

"Come along, Son!" Membrane said as he carried his stunned offspring with him out the door. "We have to get in position to face the music!"

"WAIT!" Dib cried, struggling to escape. "This is all a big mistake! You can't just--KEEF!" he looked back at the boy responsible for his current predicament. "Keef, you (insert string of expletives here) Call it off! Tell everyone to go home and get the (expletive) out of my house! You too!"

Keef gave him a reassuring smile, "You can't get cold feet now, Dib! Don't worry; we're all here supporting you!"

Dib continued yelling, his threats becoming ever more colorful and GIR skipped along, closing the door shut behind them.

"DIB!" Zim cried and ran at the door before Keef grabbed his arm and pulled him in the other direction.

"We have to get in place too, Zim!"

"What are you doing? Unhand Zim, filthy Keef-beast! I must go save the Dib!"

Keef wasn't listening, of course, and he shoved Zim up the altar, onto the spot he'd covered with glue earlier. Zim growled and tried to pull his feet free, but the stuff was too strong! Soon the fumes were getting to him, and he became tipsy. Keef caught him before he fell, and held him upright, smiling innocently at the jani-priest. (A/N: if you're wondering why Keef and the jani-priest aren't affected by the fumes, the answers are self explanatory. The janitor's accustomed to all sorts of weird smelling aromas and Keef...well, he's Keef)

Satisfied that everything was ready, Keef nodded his head at the phantom person who then turned back to his task at hand, and began playing an eardrum splitting shrill and eerie version of the wedding march song.

The front door burst open and GIR skipped in, happily digging his paws in the bag of flour and sprinkling it all over the floor, himself, and the now sneezing guests. Membrane came in behind him, walking his gagged and irate son down the isle, a limp bouquet of flowers from his front yard sticking out from between his bound wrists.

As Dib was escorted up the altar to stand next to Zim, Membrane went to stand next to Gaz, who was still obliviously playing her game, and looked on with pride at his son.

The pregnant boy blinked at the teetering irken and shot the red-head at Zim's side a murderous glare.

Keef smiled and gave him a thumbs up.

"Aww, Dib looks so pretty!" the SIR unit behind him cooed. GIR abandoned his sack of flour and latched himself to the pregnant boy's head, "I wanna marry him, too!"

"Mmphuh!" Dib protested.

"No-no, Gir," whispered Keef to him. "You can't."

GIR turned his sad puppy dog eyes to the red-head. "Aww, why not? I wanna open up his head and sleep in it like a squishy little bed!"

"Because," Keef explained, gravely serious. "You're the flower dog."

"Oh, ye-ah!" GIR turned Dib's face to him and smiled. "I'm sorry, Dibbeh! But we can still be friends!"

The robot jumped down, picked up his sack and pivoted. Going into red-eyed duty mode he saluted Keef, who nodded approvingly at him.

Ending the salute, GIR went normal again and jumped down to sit at the foot of the altar, scooping handfuls of the remaining flour into his mouth and making muffled little choking noises every so often.

"Dearly beloved," started the jani-priest, before seeing the bored and scowling faces of Dib's classmates. "...Or not. We are gathered here today to join this man and this...er-" he faltered and started over. "We are gathered here today to join these two in matrimony." He looked at the pudgy boy. "Do you...?"

Keef motioned the man to bend down and whispered something in his ear.

"Dib," he continued, "Take this Zim to be your fictiously wedded...um-"

GIR ran up and motioned the man down, and whispered something in his ear, smiled and ran back down.

The jani-priest frowned, "...Love-pig, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, for the next three days?"

"NU! Dun doo eet!" a fan girl suddenly yelled from the pews. "I wuvs joo, Dib! Marry meh!"

Another fan girl rose up from behind and knocked her out with a box of condoms she'd brought as a wedding present.

"Mmph-Gnng-Mmmphn-MMM!"

"Was that a 'yes' or a 'no'?" The jani-priest asked.

Dib shook his head fervently and brought his bound hands up to rub against his face, trying vainly to loosen the rag tied around the lower half of his face that prevented him from speaking english.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'."

The jani-priest turned to Zim. "What about you? You look like you're ready to tie the knot."

Zim continued to teeter and began laughing for no apparent reason. "Hee-hee-hee-hee!" he giggled. "I do? Heeheehee!"

Dib felt his pulse quicken into little rabbit heart-beats, thinking 'OMG-OMG-OMG, please don't tell me they're gonna count that! Can't they see Zim's in no condition to be taken seriously? This is NOT happening to me!'

"Okay," said the jani-priest. "By the cleanly powers vested in me, you can kiss the bride!"

Dib whirled on the man, his eyes the size of plates. "MMPH?"

"Yay!" said GIR as he ran up behind Dib and pushed him into Zim.

Of course Dib was still gagged so their lips didn't really touch and Zim continued his stoned giggling the entire time, but the effect was the same.

Luckily, their audience was no longer interested in them (not that they had been at any prior point but, anyway) they had only come in the first place with the promise of cake and explody punch! Oh, such exploding there was! It was delicious...

And so Membrane welcomed the delirious Zim into the 'family' before heading back into his lab. Gaz stopped playing her game long enough smack the back of Dib's head and call him 'idiot' then went to her room. The guests devoured as much food and punch as they could and carried off the rest, along with a few choice pieces of furniture, stereo equipment and the kitchen sink.

Dib and Zim were left alone. Keef had sat them together on Dib's couch; Zim passed out with his head on Dib's shoulder and the aliens green feet dangling barefoot; his boots still glued to the altar.

"Heya, best buddies, wasn't that a GREAT wedding? Oh, and no need to thank me! What are friends for, right?"

Well, not COMPLETELY alone...

For safety reasons Dib had been left tied up, and now he looked about ready to breathe fire. (Friends are for roasting!)

But before you could say 'Kentucky Fried Keef', there was a honking outside and the red-head left, he and his Fish boy waving goodbye, getting into the backseat of his waiting parents car and drove off.

NOW they were alone.

Gir was sleeping on the remains of the wedding cake murmuring and letting out little exploding farts every so often.

Dib tried one more time to undo his bonds and gag, but it was no use. All he managed to do was chafe the skin on his wrists and soak the gag with his spittle. Yuck.

Zim dosed lightly beside him, cuddled up really close with a stupid grin on his face.

I should wake him up and have him untie me, thought Dib. _And get me something to eat. Greedy kids didn't leave any cake! What the heck was up with Zim anyway? I thought I smelled something funny up there, but the gag was in the way... Zim! Hey! Wake up!_

thought Dib. 

"Zmph! Hmph! Whhkmph!" Dib said exasperatedly. He leaned his face in and nudged the alien as hard as he could. Zim giggled again but continued sleeping, only now he slid an arm across Dib's middle and nuzzled his face into the curve of the human's neck, murmuring nonsense happily as he made himself at home.

Dib felt his ears grow hot as he waited for an emotion to surface; to feel embarrassment, revulsion, or anger. Instead he just felt really warm inside; as if Zim were an extra blanket.

This is nice the chemically imbalanced part of his brain told him.

Yeah, well... Dib had to admit Zim looked pretty cute just then. Maybe...maybe he could wait for the irken to wake up on his own.

And then there came a low rumbling sound by his ear. Was Zim...was Zim was purring?

Odd, Dib thought as he listened. _Given Zim's bug like appearance, you'd think he'd sound more like a cricket...only he doesn't have spiky legs to rub together like crickets do. Hmm...Zim with spikey legs..._(shudder)

Dib thought as he listened. (shudder) 

Dib tried to focus on something in his surroundings to replace the mental image. His house was trashed and ransacked. More than likely it'd be his job to clean everything up. He was tired, tied up and heavy with smeet, and nothing short of a forklift could budge him from the couch. Crud.

Dib brought his focus back to Zim. Was he even AWARE that they'd just gotten hitched? Hehe... his wig tickled! And it was kinda soft...

Having nothing better to do, Dib nestled his head in Zim's hair and closed his eyes. He allowed himself to be lulled to sleep by the soothing white noise that emanated from the napping form sitting beside him.

(End chapter 16)

GIVE PRAISE TO THE PROOF-READING GOAT! SHE IS TEH AWESOME! XD

(A/N: All replies supplied by my crazy sister)

Techno Doofus: You call them meds? I call them candieeeees!

Lily of the Shadow: I can't draw either (shrugs) so I write stories instead! To each his/her own!

SingerOfDoom: It's the same thing as writing a straight story! Only...with two guys instead!

Invader Iza: Um...Dib's a guy so he doesn't have periods...then again he also shouldn't be pregnant either so...I don't know...THE ALIENS!

Princess of Despair: Laughter is bad for you...makes you DIE!

Sideshow Sullen: Yay! I made someones' day! And that rhymed! Hooray!

theangryweasle: Yes...stuff consisting OF! Playing video games! Watching TV! And having flatulence contests!

Black Oni Dragon: Nope. Fanfiction is free. All they ask for in exchange is that you follow their few simple rules and have fun! (fine print: And your first born child!)

TezzWoods: Good for you! (clap-clap)

Invader Aqua: Weee...

Gothic-Rez: Who's 'Did'?

animeninjaNIPPON: Yeah! Stupid male humans! XD

Penname wa Silver B: (Salutes Super Reviewer) May the rest of my readers all learn from you!

Night Masters: I like me too! XD

ShadowsGirlShade: Thanks!

zimgirl14: (Pondering) Um...no. (kick)

Circus freak92-I AM GIR: Mmm...me no readey! Go away! (kick)

Chess 77: No...thank YOU! (kick)

Sakurambo-chan: No die! Must read! (head explodes)

She-Elf4: OO; You have waaaaay too much time on your hands...best of luck to your friend!


	17. Delivery Day!

Chapter 17: Delivery Day!

Dib was dreaming. He was standing on a hill or a platform of some sort and watching as, below him, the human masses plodded on, defeated. Their faces were worn and ragged; some of them probably hadn't eaten or slept in days. The invasion had come. And it had been so ridiculously easy. Those fools... all of them had been completely oblivious until the very last moment when hundreds of restored Mega-Doomers had gone through the city and declared it under martial law. A force field isolated the city and projected a hologram of normality to the rest of the world. Dib was not among the enslaved crowd, not because he had escaped, but because he was at the head of the invading army. All around him were Irken-manned, walking weapons of destruction, made fully functional again by his personal calculations. And inside them weren't just any Irkens. They were his children. His and Zim's.

Dib saw his own father just then, injecting some of the more haggard slaves with a brown liquid, waiting a few moments before writing down his observations and moving on to the next one. Membrane, too, had been oblivious in the beginning. Although he hadn't approved of the city being under martial law when he first found out, as long as no one interfered with his 'real science' he didn't really care or complain. The professor was currently testing out an old project he hadn't been able to perform before when there were laws against it: replacing human blood with tiny coffee beans. The theory was that the coffee-injected workers would require less sleep, work longer hours, be more alert, have more energy, and become overall more efficient slaves. There were, of course, side effects due to the lack of sleep. Some test subjects started hallucinating; some lost their memories to the point of even forgetting how to hold in their urine and excrement; others became extremely irritable and would break down and cry, or go on rampage at the slightest provocation. There were always necessary sacrifices to be made in the name of science.

As for his sister, it was discovered early on that Gaz was not good slave material. Her will wasn't breakable enough. She was, however, an excellent slave _driver_. In exchange for all the video games, batteries, and gaming consoles she wanted, his sister did the work of 10 Mega Doomers. Her keen senses could spot a slacker a mile away, and her long-range tazer gun fixed them right on the spot.

That was all fine and good. Dib hadn't really wanted to see Gaz in chains, even if she _did_ treat him like dirt most of the time...stupid _human, _family ties! He'd ask Zim later if he could help come up with something to get rid of them – having a conscience at this point just made things slightly more difficult than they needed to be. Speaking of Zim...

Dib scowled and dug his toe impatiently into the dirt. Where _was _that Irken? He was supposed to have met up with him half an hour ago! Their inauguration ceremony was going to start soon, and it wouldn't look good if they were late...damn him! What the heck was so important it couldn't wait until after--?

"Thank you for waiting for me... Dib-love."

For a few seconds, Dib forgot to breathe. There was a cold, metal tube pressed against the middle of his back and had a pretty good idea what it was.

"Surprised, Dib? You shouldn't be... admit it, you knew this was coming the whole time! You knew my PAK was malfunctioning... and yet you still fooled yourself into thinking my 'feelings' for you were real... how pitifully _human_."

Dib gulped. He couldn't say, nor do, much else. He couldn't deny it; there had always been a nagging voice in the back of his head that warned him... but he'd ignored it. Just like the humans toiling below him had ignored his warnings.

"Look at me, Dib-human... turn around slowly..."

Dib did as he was told. He couldn't help looking first at the laser in Zim's hand before up into the Irken's shadowed green face. Zim smiled a Cheshire cat smile. "I suppose I should thank you for your generous contributions to my mission thus far... But now that your world is finally mine, you've become expendable. I'd keep you around just to amuse me if you weren't so _needy!_ Even newborn smeets require less care and attention than you do!"

Zim cocked the gun and aimed it right at Dib's center. "Any last words, worm-baby?"

"... Why, Zim?" Dib whispered.

Zim gave a sinister chuckle. "You still don't get it? Invaders need NO ONE!"

"NO ONE!" echoed the multitude of other invaders from the cockpits of their Mega Doomers. They all began to laugh their Irken father's trademark maniacal laugh and Zim laughed heartily along with them. Then he fired the laser.

"AAAHHH!"

------------

Dib woke up.

It was morning. He was in his own bed, free from the bonds and gags of the day before. His body was drenched in cold sweat and there was a horrible pain in his abdomen. Zim burst into the room, wearing an apron and holding a still sizzling pan of bacon in one hand. "Dib! Dib-love, are you all right? What - "

"SHUT UP!" Dib snapped at him. "Don't you _ever _call me that agai - GRAH! Ergh..."

GIR dropped from the ceiling just as Dib tried ineffectively to double over his bulging stomach. "HI!"

"GIR!" said Zim. "Get some peanut butter! I think the time has come!"

"Sandwiches!" said GIR, then he ran off into the kitchen.

Dib growled as Zim tried to get near, "Stay away from me! I changed my mind! I... ugh... I'm not helping you create an army to take over the world!"

"What?" Zim blinked in confusion. "You must be delirious with pain! You're lucky I read up on what to do while you were asleep!"

Zim yanked down Dib's covers, revealing that he'd been left wearing something similar to a Mumu and no underpants. Dib recoiled at the sudden breeze through his nether regions. "STOP! Leave me alone!"

"Open wide!" Zim instructed. "The smeeby can't come out if the exit is closed, now can it?"

"I told you to stay away from—(gasp)!"

There was nothing he could do to hold back the will of nature. Either the thing inside him came out right now or he'd explode. He opened up.

"OKAY!" Zim was now clothed in a baseball catcher's face mask and catcher's mitt, having positioned himself a few feet from Dib's bed. "I'm ready! Push, Dib!"

Before Dib could ask where Zim had gotten all that gear from (since he didn't play baseball and neither did anyone in his family,) he couldn't hold back any longer. Grinding his teeth and throwing his head back, Dib pushed the thing inside him out with all his might!

AND LET LOOSE A MIGHTY BLAST!

(PPPPPBBBBBLLLLLTTTTT!)

The force of the wind knocked Zim backward into the wall, leaving a Zim-shaped dent in it. He fell forward out of it and onto his face, then painfully dragged himself over to the window and threw it open. "Ugh..." Zim stuck his head out. "Phew! That stench! Waaa..."

Meanwhile, Dib was too dumbfounded to notice the new aroma. His stomach was back to normal proportions, there was no smeet, baby or hybrid anywhere in the room, and he could swear the floor was slightly further away than it had been a few minutes ago. "What... the... _hell_?"

"It would seem-- (cough-cough)" Zim fanned his face and left his head outside for a few more minutes. "Um...it would seem that my interpretation of the computer's findings were slightly off...(gag)."

"Wait a minute..." Dib's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Do you mean to tell me that all this time I thought I was freakin' _pregnant _with a human/Irken hybrid...I had GAS?"

"Yup," Zim gasped. "Pretty much."

"But what about all that food I've been eating! HUH? Where did it all go if not to feed a new growth?"

"It _did_ feed a new growth... you're 7.32 centimeters taller, Dibling..."

"A growth spurt?" Dib shook his head. "That's insane! What about that thing where I broke down in the bathroom and we— oh, crud! Did I just hit... _puberty_?"

"I MADE SANDWICHES!" yelled GIR enthusiastically, launching into the room and stuffing a messy sandwich into Dib's mouth. "They're made of peanut butter and honey!"

Dib tried to say something, but it came out as a muffled sound as the sticky substances joined forces to seal his mouth shut. All he did then was growl, finding nothing else would work. "You should get some rest, Dibbles," Zim advised, hearing the sign of discontent. He had finally come back inside, from his previous state of hanging out the window, and pulled the covers back over the boy. "You've had a big day... I'll have a big breakfast ready for you whenever you wake up, okay?"

He kissed Dib's forehead and walked out of the room, thoughtfully taking his SIR unit with him. Dib sighed in resignation then closed his eyes. He _was_ pretty exhausted. Besides, there was plenty of time for him to worry about the fate of the world and his future later...

(End of Chapter 17)

Princess of Despair: the cuteness is harnessed by loading 4700 adorable babies  
wrapped in fuzzy pink blankets into the fic's cuteness-conversion chamber!

Aketa: Yeah, kinda funny, but not many besides you seems to care...(sniffle) Closets are evil!

Ebola Spider: You and your links can go to hell, you sick freak

SingerOfDoom: Of course I'm right! The author's always right! Thankies!

techno doofus: yeah, hurricanes can do that to ya...how you doin' now?

Invader Iza: Ugh... (covers Iza with a carpet) I'm running out of places to hide the dead reviewers that keep dying on my fic...

Ryu Forte: I know I've been horrible and haven't been reviewing your other story, but I just can't get into all that band stuff... It confuzles me and I don't find instruments and other band related stuff very interesting... I'm sorry... you can hate me now (cries)

SilentSniper: I like stoned Zim too... stole the idea from a fic where the stoning ingredient was irken catnip!

Penname wa Silver B: CONGRATS! YOU GOT THE JOB! Welcome aboard, new beta!

animeninjaNIPPON: Woo! Haven't lost my humor yet! Hoping it can at least last long enough to finish this fic before I'm too old and pessimistic...

Phantom of Spades: OMG, you're right! They're married! WHAT HAVE I DONE? NUUUU... hey...I'm the author! I can fix this! (evil grin)

Invader-Maz: I'm a purring Zim whore... can't get enough of it! I have no idea who started it, but whoever they are, I gives them props! PROPS, I SAY!

Circus freak92: (hunches over holding stomach) Ow...

'Invader' Kri: Aww, I'm lurved! Glad it was worth the wait! I'm afraid my chapters from here on out will still be hideously delayed...BUT DON'T GIVE UP ON ME!

Lily of the Shadow: Bakura? Sounds like a DBZ character...

TezzWoods: The mystery of the smeet is solveded! Not what you were expecting, was it? Nya-ha-ha!

Tugera: Glad you likes!

Kohitsu Mori: Keef is VERY evil... and the janitor's such a sport! Hee-hee!

demongirl12000: Purring Irkens ROCK!

Tugera: Thanks for the cricket Zim! He disturbed me and made me laugh muchly! XD

Invader-Nehima: Kudos to your friend! Thanks for the fave!

She-Elf4: I hope you waited... if not, here's the next chappy anyway

Invader-Nehima: I have no idea where "I regret nothing" came from... the person who made the cameo (Crystal) wrote her own lines...but I guess that could be it (nods)

evildeathbee: Sorry I took so long! I'm sorry! I'm a bad, lazy author! Please don't hate me!

pOtatoes-ruler of all: Wasn't alien cum... just massive amounts of forced saliva that got Dib bloated and made him look pregnant... hehe... XD

Invader Aqua: Happy birthday! I reviewed your story Dec 12... but just in case you didn't see it, I decided to do it here too.

insane-dookie: This is what happened next... disappointed? It made me giggle! XD

invader nir: Glad you likes!

Maiden of the Moon: One of my favorite authors reviewed my fic! Am honoured!

River rain: I know, I'm horrible XP Sorry...

ijpyu: I know, I'm sorry! But maybe now that school's over I can work on it a little more...

SavPixie: The cuteness can get sickening at times, right? I'm trying to fix that... thanks for reading!

The-Death-Bringer-of-Hell: Here is next chapter for joo!


	18. Alternate Ending

Delivery Day Version 2.0! For Those Who Felt Cheated...

**A/N: This is an ALTERNATE ENDING! For those of you who wanted a smeet, here you go!I dun like smeets, but meh!(Dances on joor heads)**

Dib woke up. It was still morning.

He sat up in bed, thinking he'd stretch out his tired back. His movements were sluggish. He felt drugged and quesy, and quickly decided sitting up was a bad idea. He lay back down.

GIR dropped from the ceiling and landed at the foot of his bed. "HI!"

Dib blinked at him, seeing nothing but a grey blob with a shiny blue aura around where his head should be. He fumbled around the dresser top by his bed for his glasses.

"GIR!" said Zim, coming into the room. "Don't bother my Dib, right now! His stitches haven't healed properly yet!"

"Stitches?" Dib found his glasses and placed them on the bridge of his nose. He then lifted his blanket and saw that there were, in fact, a set of train-track stitches running across his stomach. This was new. "Zim...?"

Zim nodded, knowing without Dib having to tell him what he was talking about. "Do not worry, Dib-love! The operation was a success! As well it should have been, for you had the great ZIM here to do the delivering!"

Gir began bouncing up and down excitedly. "Yeah-yeah! Master did great! The big head baby was all _woosh!_ and Master caught it! Then it went blink-blink-blink-blink-blink and flew away and Master and me chaseded it!"

Dib briefly wondered if the 'woosh' part (and this is his paranormal investigator side thinking now) was the baby having flown out of him in some mini spaceship it'd built while inside him.

Gir suddenly hugged the empty air next to himself and licked it. "I love babies!" His drool seemed suspended in mid-air, as if he'd actually licked something substancial... like a cheek.

Dib narrowed an eye and went to poke at the spot.

He jumped back as something materialized in the empty space in front of him. It was an irken smeet! Or something...

"Hello," said the smeet in a somewhat squeeky, yet obviously cultured voice. "Mother?"

Dib stared in horrified facination. He suddenly realized what the blink-blink-blink-blink-blink had been about. This creature had 5 eyes! It's skin was green for the most part, with patches of pale human looking skin scattered randomly all over. Its eyes were a type of melted-gold red, that shimmered in the right light. There was an intelligence in those eyes that shouldn't be in anything that was just born minutes, or even hours ago.

Dib realized his mouth was hanging open. He closed it, swallowed, then forced a shaky smile. "That's... more or less accurate, I guess."

After an uncomfortable silence in which Dib felt they were expecting something more from him, he cleared his throat. "Um... he's cute."

"_She_,"Zim flicked his antennae in annoyance, "is your _daughter,_ Dib-monkey!"

"My daughter..." Dib repeated, as the smeet blink-blink-blink-blink-blinked at him. "How nice..."

"She's a Doobe Ice-cream Moose!" Gir said proudly. "I named her!"

Dib considered this, as he considered Irken names. "Um... DIM?"

The smeet in his lap smiled in recognition of her name being called, showing off her rows of pearly white, dagger-shaped teeth.

"Please do not be afraid of me, mother." Dim replied. "I realize my appearance differs from your own and father's, but that is beyond my control. I assure you I mean you no harm..." she paused, then added. "So would you please stop looking at me like that?"

"SHE TALKS LIKE A MONKEY!" Gir squeeled.

Dim turned to look irritatedly at him. "That is not true, you glitched information retreival unit! My speech is far SUPERIOR to that of a common earth monkey!"

Despite himself, Dib had to grin. Whatever this creature looked like, she was clearly Zim's daughter. But if he really had been pregnant after all... was the episode of him having gas just a dream? Or was this the dream? Or had he been unwittingly transported into an alternate universe in his sleep and both were real?

Dim paused from her argument with Gir, and looked thougthful for a second, before shaking her head and looking at Dib. "_This _is your reality, mother. Your dream of flatulence was just that, a dream."

Zim, who had been standing by and watching his daughter and mate bond, quirked an eye. "Flatulence?"

Dib ignored Zim's comment and focused his all attention on Dim. "How did you know about that?"

"I can know the dreams of others when I want," she replied.

"But how?" Dib demanded. "I mean... how do you know so much? You can talk, you can read minds, you have FIVE eyes, for crying out loud! Why?"

"Oooh, I know this one!" Gir motioned for Dib to come closer then leaned forward and whispered in his ear. "She's an alien!"

Dim growled and stared holes into Gir's back... with her laser vision! Gir giggled and tackled her, sending them both tumbling down to the floor.

"I beleive I can answer that, Dib-love!" Zim strutted forward while Dim wrestled with Gir while muttering a string of Irken curses. "Obviously, Dim's DNA carries the properties to become a Control Brain! She got that from _me_, naturally! I always knew--"

"Wait-wait, back up a sec!" Dib interrupted. "What the heck is a Control Brain?"

"--that I was destined for greatness but my Control Braininess genes must have been recessive, and--eh?" Zim blink-blinked at him. "Oh, that's right... Well, Dibbles, Control Brains are special Irkens bred for decision making. They are designated to certain areas, such as a planet, and they do the major decision making for that area. Of course superior intelligence, mind-reading, lazer vision and head explody are required for this, so--"

"Dim can make people's heads EXPLODE?" Dib exclaimed in horror.

"Would you quit interrupting? Anyway... DIM!" Zim said irritatedly. "Stop dismantaling my SIR unit!"

Dim had produced an autopsy table from somewhere (materialized it?) and had a giggling Gir strapped to it. Or his body at least. Dim had his head popped open and was shaking it upside-down, bending to examine the bubble-gum wrappers, jacks, and paper-clips that fell out. She quickly hid Gir's head behind her back and smiled innocently (as innocent as a shark's smile can get anyway) at her father.

Gir cackled insanely (as is his way) and once again commented on Dim's similarity to common Earth animals.

Dib smiled and gave a little laugh, catching Zim's eye as he did so. Zim smiled back. Maybe this wasn't going to be as bad as he thought after all.

THE END!


	19. What Happens After

SO, some people have been asking me for a sequel to this story... and damned if I didn't actually consider it and give it a try! But I got no further than an isolated incident during Dim's school years. Dim has, unfortunately, turned into a Mary Sue... I apologize in advance ;w;

* * *

"Congratulations!" said the elementary school announcer from his stand on the podium. "You've all managed to achieve the grade inflated, expectation-lowered, standard minimum requirements set by the government to allow you under-educated spoot-heads to graduate... Aren't you proud of yourselves?"

*polite clapping*

"Oh, that's right!" The principal smiled and shook his head in a 'silly me' way. "None of you know what the word 'graduate' means! Saving that for college now are they? Sorry... ANYWAY, why don't we hear a few words from your only fellow classmate that can actually do her math homework without using her toes! Please welcome... DIM MEMBRANE!"

Dim smiled and pressed the button on her remote control that turned on the stereo with the applause recording she had created for the occasion. The magnified sound of the raucus cheers and clapping broke several windows.

The raven headed girl stood up to her full 3 and a half feet height and climbed onto the empty orange crate provided to help her see over the podium.

"Greetings, filthy classmates!" she smiled. "You have managed to recognize my superiority and now seek my words of wisdom to enlighten your empty minds! Good for you!"

"Isn't she great?" Zim gloated to Dib, who was sitting next to him in the auditorium. "Such oratory skills! Such charm and charisma! She is unquestionably the daughter of ZIM!"

"Mmm..." Dib mumbled noncommittally.

"DIM!" the principal said. "Why don't you share with us what you plan to be when you grow up and shame the unambitious goals of all these future gas-station attendants?"

"Thank you, school authority figure, I shall!" Dim adjusted the microphone and grinned hugely at her audience. "I want to make my parents proud of me, so I shall do my best to bring about world peace, just like my mother taught me is right!" She waved to her human parent, "Hi, Mommy!"

Dib smiled awkwardly and gave a light wave back.

"I plan to do this," Dim continued, "By CONQUERING this planet and becoming its just and benevolent UNQUESTIONED RULER, and FORCE everyone to co-exist peacefully or I will use my MIGHTY ARMIES OF DOOM to bring about PAIN and harmony to their sad existence! Daddy said he'd let me borrow his giant laser weasels until I become old enough to... Oops!" Dim blushed prettily and covered her mouth of razor sharp teeth with a dainty green hand. "I wasn't supposed to say that much... now I'll have to erase your memories from the last 10 minutes."

Dim brought out a very large laser cannon vaguely resembling a camera and donned a pair of protective goggles. "Don't worry about feeling any pain! Stupidity is a natural anesthetic! Say cheese!"

Her classmates smiled and complied while her parents dove for cover. "CHEEEEEEEESE!"

The radioactive blast from the cannon blew everyone out of their chairs, out the previously broken windows, while some found themselves sticking to the wall. Dim removed her goggles and replaced the cannon back into her PAK. "In closing, I'd like to recommend that you all get spayed so your stupidness doesn't spread to other galaxies. For now, you may continue existing. Carry on!"

Jumping down from her place on the podium, Dim caught sight of her parents timidly peeking out from their hiding places under their chairs, somehow fully dressed in anti-hazard suits.

"Mother! Father!" Dim ran up and caught them in a double hug, unaffected by the residue radiation on their suits as she'd learned by way of experimentation that she was immune to many different natural toxins (maybe because of her mixed genes?) including water. "Did you like my speech? Wasn't I AMAZING?"

"Well..." Dib removed his gas mask. "Your heart was in the right place at least."

"Dim doesn't have a 'heart' Dib-smell!" Zim corrected him as he took off his own mask.

Dib shrugged. "Her squiggly-spooch then. Whatever. You know what I mean!"

"Hey, hey!" Dim waved her hands frantically in front of her parents. "You two promised me iced-creamed-corn after this, remember?" She grabbed hold of either parent's hand and began dragging them towards the exit. "Let's go! I want the kind with bacon bits in it!"

Zim leaned over and whispered into Dib's ear, "I _told_ you we let her hang out with Gir too much!"

"_You_ wanna play with her instead?" Dib whispered back.

Zim suddenly recalled the time he walked in on one of Dim's surgery sessions in which she was replacing Gir's limbs with those of an annoying toy poodle that yapped and did back-flips non-stop until its batteries ran out. Gir was, of course, cluelessly elated about the situation. "Yipe-yipe!" he greeted his master when he saw him. "Yipe-yipe, yipe-yipe, yipe-"

Zim shuddered as he recalled the experience, but refused to admit he might be wrong about something. An idea occurred to him and he leered suggestively at his mate, "Maybe she just needs a baby sister to play with...?"

Dib blushed furiously and glared at him, "Don't you DARE! I am NEVER going through that again, you hear me? Don't touch me!"

Dim was oblivious to their conversation, humming happily with thoughts of delishus creamed corn goodness dancing in her head as she pulled her parents along behind her.


End file.
